Friday, December 31, 2010

Two-Thousand and Ten

What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I tried tofu (pretty good) and salmon (surprise: I'm allergic). I starred in a play. I went on two rescue missions (one for Ian, one for Grannette). I sang karaoke.


Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, but this year's gonna be full of 'em.


What countries did you visit?
None. Unless Missouri counts as a country.


What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Impetuous adventures. I hardly did a single spontaneous thing the entire year.


What date/s from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Opening night of Macbeth, because I was mothereffing Lady Macbeth. September 26th because that's when I decided I was going on a mission. The last week of July/first week of August because my siblings and I got to hang out with Grannette and go camping with her.


What was your biggest failure?
Focusing so much on making other people happy that I totally lost track of myself. (This is basically the story of the entire year.)


What was the best thing you bought?
Sufjan Stevens' The Age of Adz. Also, any time I fed Spencer.


Where did most of your money go?
Books, food, clothes.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Macbeth! Seeing the New Pornographers with Phoebe! School starting back up! Civil War history! Going on a mission! Spencer's birthday! Christmas!


What song will always remind you of 2010?
"Gold Soundz" - Pavement.


What was your job this year?
Lollygagger/night auditor.


Did you have any encounters with the police in 2010?
I got pulled over driving from Logan to Newton for "reckless driving." Which apparently covers "trying like hell to avoid rear-ending the stop-and-go douchebag in front of me."


What was your favorite TV program?
Degrassi, 30 Rock, Law & Order: SVU.


What was the best book you read?
Sadly, this year has included virtually NO reading for pleasure.


What was your greatest musical discovery?
Avi Buffalo.


What did you want and get?
I wanted a job, and good grades, and a boyfriend. I got the first two.


Did you make any new friends this year?
Yes! Natalie (via Spencer) and Alexa and Belinda and Olivia (from work), among many others.


What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21. I woke up late, ate liege waffles, went shopping with Mom and Grannette, then went to dinner, then Spencer came over and then I went to bed early because I'd had a mysterious illness the previous day.


How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
The concept was "Try to Wear Fewer T-Shirts So You Aren't Mistaken for a Lesbian." I think it was a success.


What kept you sane?
Mom, and Spencer.


Who was the best new person you met?
If you mean "new" as in "met for the first time," probably the guy who brings the paper in the morning. He's incredible.


How do you plan to start 2011?
With my family, probably at home.


Where did you begin 2010?
In bed, I think, haha.


How did you spend your summer?
Stage managing, reading, road tripping, taking summer class, and narrowly avoiding emotional crisis.


What was your worst month?
It's a three-way tie between June, September and October -- but for very different reasons.


Favorite night out?
Oh jeez, the night Sadie and Autumn came into town at the end of the summer. Also, most any night with Spencer.

What sporting events did you attend?
N/A.


What was your best month?
February.

Overall, how would you rate this year?
Mm, maybe a five. It wasn't the best.


Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
School, Spencer's house, work.


Do anything embarrassing?
Oh, lots. But it was fun. :)


Something new to try in 2011:
Getting to bed on time. :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

well

It looks like I am on the official lookout for a job. Apparently the Holiday Inn is no longer gonna be the Holiday Inn (meaning no awesome bargains) and the new owners are kind of nuts (not in a fun way) and in the long run I'd rather donate plasma twice a week than be ruthlessly scrutinized by a 3-1/2 foot tall lady from the Philippines or Taiwan or whatever Asiatic country was invaded by the Spanish.

(No, that's not racism -- it's evidence of a logical fallacy. Because I have never interacted with a kind, sane, or intelligible Asian individual, I presume that there are no kind, sane, or intelligible Asian individuals. It's not that I dislike them. I'm just, you know, waiting to be proved wrong.)

Anyway. If you hear of anywhere that's hiring, hook a sista up?

Anyway anyway.

I'm reading this book called House of Leaves and holy fire, is it a trip and a half. It's full of creepy goings-on, but not like in a Beast from Hell way. It's more disturbing than that, like when you see a hand with six fingers or come across a door that refuses to open even though you've unlocked it several times. Unsettling, I guess, is the best word to describe it. And I'm blogging to take a break from it because I'm at work alone at night.

Hmm. I need pepper spray.

Tonight I went over and played with Marcus and Leah and Grannette while Bryan and Kristina saw True Grit. Marcus and I played some games on their new Wii, and Leah made Grandma hold a doll while she brushed its hair. We had a pretty good time -- when my siblings are around, I'm usually the last choice for playmate, I guess because I don't have as much energy as Phoebe and Zoe do. But tonight Leah sat on my lap and we had a fun little conversation about how many times Marcus was going to kill Mario while Grannette took a well-deserved five minute snooze.

Tried to play "Would You Rather...?" (the board game) with Mom, Dad, Zoe, Ian, and Alec, but I don't know how much fun anyone had. For a while it was nice and silly, but after a while Zoe started making fun of me because I used the word naiveté in a sentence (she holds an imaginary monocle and does this foppish highbrow laugh if I ever say anything she perceives as being pretentious) and at that point it kind of stopped being enjoyable for me.

(For the record: naiveté isn't some archaic, Olde Worlde term that's only available to Ivy Leaguers. People use it all the time. And anybody could tell you that that's just how I talk -- I use words I know, just like anybody else and so I don't really know what the big deal is.)

Ugh.

Well, I guess I'm gonna hit Craigslist's job ads before I get back into my freaky, freaky book. Hopefully I will have a new job soon and can read at night in the comfort of my own bed!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Chrimbus.

To quote my friend, Claire, (who frequently quoted a strange band called Ima Robot), "here's a story for the kids!"

Other than the fact that I've had to work most of this week, and that I managed to contract a hideous cold, Christmas was very good. I got (in no order of importance):

1. Tommy Bahama luggage (for my mission -- Mom and Dad assured me it wasn't a hint)
2. A new silver iPod Nano (which is functional, unlike my 3rd-gen iPod Classic)
3. The 3rd season of Frasier (from Ian, who is a totally rad bro)
4. $50 dollar iTunes gift card (from Grannette)
5. A beautiful beaded jewelry box
6. Gloves and socks
7. A copy of the plays of Anton Chekhov (in a reliable translation -- no more janky Penguin Classics!)
8. A Chagall calendar
9. A unicorn Pillow Pet ("It's a pillow! It's a pet! It's a Pillow Pet!!")
10. A SUPER-DARLING unicorn necklace
11. Beautiful green/blue/brass earrings
12. Somewhere in Time on DVD
13. A triptych of the Indian Buddha (from Spencer!!!!!!! He painted it!!!!)

I'm sure I probably forgot something because I'm in a cough-syrup coma, but all in all it was a delightful day and I'm super grateful for everyone who was kind enough to (a) present me with a gift or (b) share their time with me.

I feel kind of bad, though, because I didn't really have a bunch of time this Christmas to do spiritual things. I mean, I've been unconscious most of the days because of work, and other than thinking about Christ and sitting outside the temple for 3-5 minutes every night before I go in to start my shift, I haven't had the opportunity to really focus on why we celebrate this holiday. I didn't even get a chance to listen to "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming." And while it's been really nice to spend the holiday with my family and relax, today I couldn't help but think, "Oh my gosh, how amazing is Christmas going to be while I'm on my mission?!" Imagine -- celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ in a place where you are totally surrounded by people who have sacrificed their time and their money to preach His gospel. I am totally stoked for that experience.

Anyway.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get in to talk to President Meyers about the whole ward/mission thing. I want to start filling my papers out now so I can get my call! I want to go through the temple! I want to know where I'm going!


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Table water crackers.

Today was pretty rough.

I kind of had a meltdown. Well, not "kind of." Really. I really had a meltdown. I was trying to talk to my parents about something, and I got so frustrated and upset that it got to the point where all I could do was stutter one or two words over and over again. For like ten minutes, all I could say was "I just... just don't... I just just just just..."

Had a meeting with President Meyers to discuss my ward-attendance situation, but he got called into surgery so I'm supposed to stop by his office on Sunday.

Bought a crossword puzzle and a copy of Vanity Fair before work because Barnes & Noble was already closed. Still working on Kant. Eating table water crackers with .33 cent cheese sticks. Not feeling so hot -- my eyelids are swollen from crying.

I think tomorrow Crystal and I are going to see True Grit, which I am excited about. I fell in love with Matt Damon in October, so I'm excited to see him as a cowboy.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Safe.

Well, we got up this morning to discover about a foot of snow covering the entire car. I tried to clean as much of it off as possible, mostly using towels and garbage cans from the hotel room. Once I could see out the windshield, we drove over to the hotel's restaurant, the Garden of Eat'N, for our free breakfast. Our waitress's name tag said PAT #4. She was very cranky.

Once we got our breakfast, the power went out. We ate in the dark and listened to Pat #4 talk about how terrible the weather was supposed to be. She claimed there was no safety until Hurricane. I think Grannette almost peed her pants she was so nervous.

The roads were really bad from Fillmore until just a bit before Beaver, when the blizzard turned into rainfall and all of the ice on the road seemed to melt. From then on, things were no big deal.

Today was Phib's birthday, and we were able to make it home by 10:30 so I felt okay about everything.

Tomorrow night I have an appointment with President Meyers to discuss my staying in the Buena Vista YSA, as well as getting things in order so that I can start on mission stuff. Bishop Pete says once my records are back in the ward, I can start attending a temple prep class, which I am totally stoke about!

Anyway, it's definitely been a long day. I'm gonna call it a night.
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Monday, December 20, 2010

Goat eating snow.

Crazy couple of days, best expressed via timeline:

December 18:
11 pm -12 am: work

December 19:
12 am - 7:40 am: work
7:47 am: home from work, rush to shower.
8 am: out of shower and dressed (due at church for choir rehearsal, but not there)
8:12 am: arrive at church, rehearse with Koby and Karli, then with choir
9 am: sacrament meeting
10:25 am: home from sacrament meeting
10:30 am: mom and I discuss the possibility of me taking a bus up to Logan to get Grandma (who has macular degeneration and can't drive in snow or rain)
10:45 - noon: investigate possibilities, decide Zoe, Phib and I will drive up and leave my car there
Noon - 12:30 pm: attempt at napping
12:30 pm: leave for Spencer and Karli's grandma's sacrament meeting
1:40 pm: leave sacrament meeting
2 pm: get gas, check fluids, put air in tires
3 pm: leave for Grandma's house
5 pm: stop one, Beaver
7 pm: stop two, Nephi
9 pm: stop three, Spencer's house in North Ogden
10:30 pm: arrive at Grandma's house
10:50 pm: I pass out, having been awake for twenty-four hours straight

The weather was really good until we hit Salt Lake, when there was a crapload of rain and my windshield wipers are pretty shizzy so I got super tense and stressed out. Adding that into the fact that the freeway is a DANGEROUS PIECE OF POORLY MAINTAINED ASPHALT THAT CUTS TIRES AND SENDS PEOPLE'S CARS FLYING INTO THE AIR, I ended up with white knuckles and a massive headache.

Anyway, we're leaving for St. George here pretty soon. This time I will have Grandma's four-wheel drive and fully functional wipers, AND I've had ten hours of sleep, so this should be infinitely more enjoyable.
UPDATE:
Well, we stopped in Fillmore and got a hotel room because the weather was so bad. Phib is kinda bummed because it's her birthday tomorrow and she doesn't want to be in the car for any of it. But we'll be home in like two hours so it won't be too big a deal.
The roads started to get really bad just after Provo, but we slid on ice changing lanes near Nephi and when the snow and slush and fog kept getting worse we knew it'd be best to pull over. I don't have much winter driving experience, and once it got dark I knew we'd made the right decision.
Life. Haha.
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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Free!

Well, I am done with finals and therefore done with this semester. I got an A in Directing I and in Nothingness, and a B+ in Acting III (which was generous of them, in my opinion) but I haven't checked back for Stage Crafts because I'm a little scared.

Anyway, after my Stage Crafts final on Friday, I popped into Michael's office to say hi and we ended up having a really good chat. He's a great guy. I haven't felt that much peace in a very long time.

I'm trying (again) to find another job because this one is slowly killing me. I think I may apply at the writing center on campus, and even though that would be a huge pay cut, I could downgrade my phone service or whatever and still be totally okay. I don't really need a Droid. I don't really need Facebook. And if I'm going to have to pay an early-termination fee when I go on my mission, I'd better start saving now. And I can always donate plasma if times get tough.

If I got hired at the writing center, I could work 18 hours a week, and at their initial pay rate I'd be making enough to pay for my phone, my car, and any other recreational expenses that may arise.

I'm thinking this is a good idea.

Anyway. Crystal got home today! I'm so happy I could die, it was SO GOOD to see her! And tomorrow Karli and I sing in church. We were supposed to rehearse again with Koby today but he was kind of a flake and it kind of made me and Karli frustrated because we were both trying to make plans and we've both got family members with medical issues (she and Spencer's grandpa, Mack, has been in the ER -- my Mom just got out of surgery). But hopefully everything will turn out alright.

Still trying to find Irene Ryan material for Alex and me. If anyone out there has a suggestion, I'm more than willing to listen. :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dawn of the Dead.

Today was mind-numbing. I got an hour or so of sleep in before my directing discussion final thing, then Spencer and I went to Jazzy's for lunch (Surprise! Best onion rings in THE WORLD!) and then I went home and slept some more. After that Karli, Koby and I got together for a music rehearsal (Karli and I are singing "O Come, O Come, Immanuel" in sacrament meeting on Sunday). Then I ran some errands for Mom, hung out with Alexa, and went to the department Christmas party.

Then I slept some more and now I am at work.

Tomorrow I have NO FINALS, so I'm gonna sleep a ton and read (if I wake up). Also, finish Spencer's Christmas present, even though he was kind of a dweeb tonight and wouldn't let me lean my head on him even though I was A MILLION YEARS TIRED and even though I would let him lay on me any day.

Okay, that sounds dirty, but it's not meant to be (this time).

...It looks like I am becoming a champion of parentheticals.

Right now I'm trying really hard not to fall asleep. I'm afraid I will never wake up and my boss will come in this morning and will find me on the floor, face stuck to the chair-mat and drool all over the place. I went to the bathroom like twenty minutes ago and I look like a ZOMBIE.

In other news: My year-end music list is almost done. I've been reading the ones put out by Pitchfork for like four years now, and they always pick the most random shiz in the most random order -- like, seriously, I think Sufjan Stevens' album The Age of Adz is like #29 for 50 Best Albums of 2010 which is RIDICULOUS because that album has been playing in my car nonstop since it came out and I only come to love it more with each passing day.

Also: I think I'm going to start a music blogging project, wherein I review every album I own. Alphabetically, with no regard for release date or genre. I am going to need a project to do over this stupid winter break, so I figured something at least marginally creative would be a good idea.

Anyway.

I guess that's all.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Just because...

I feel like now I'm blogging because I have nothing else to do. I guess this is my "welcome to the internet" moment?

Anyway: Acting III turned out to be okay. They didn't make me do an interview -- I just did a piece from The Beaux' Stratagem and then one from Hopscotch, and that was it, I was done. I'm super glad to have it over with -- I was second-to-last (only Grace went after me), and heaven knows I was nervous!

Then after that I went straight home, had a good chat with Ian (about WikiLeaks and Anonymous and other stuff), and had a 4.5 hour pre-work nap. Then I made an appearance at karaoke night (thanks to Grant for the invite!) and then headed over to the ol' Holiday Inn, where I now sit, having just concluded a 2 hour visit with Brandon.

I got my schedule for next semester totally figured out! It goes like this:

MWF:
12:00 - Chemistry 1010
1:00 - Scientific Foundations of Nutrition
4:00 - Professional Aspects of Theatre (Monday only)

TTR:
9:00 - Emergence of Modern America
12:00 - Mission prep
1:00 - Fashion Sewing
5:15 - Math 1010

I AM SO EXCITED! I love new classes, and I love school, and I really can't wait for that history course because it starts right after the Civil War (which I am in love with, historically)!

In somewhat-related news, Michael and I had a brief semi-chat about the fact that I'm not taking directing II next semester. It was... awkward, to say the least. I felt really guilty. But (for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with graduation) I really don't think I can handle such a huge project. And I need to graduate because I need (NEED) to go on a mission. 2011 is the Year of Gettin' it Done.

And now, to end on a random note: In preparing a snack for work, I mixed two different kinds of salsa and that was a REALLY BAD IDEA.

Let the games begin.

What has two thumbs and got an A+ on her nothingn ess essay? THIS GIRL! :D

In less annoying news, I am waiting for my most worrisome final: acting III. I will be performing two monologues and doing an interview and maybe another monologue depending on what they want and I am so effing scared.

Particularly for the interview. Because if people ask me weird questions I get flustered and want to throw up.

I will update later.
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Monday, December 13, 2010

secretly

I don't always tell people the truth about things. I like them to think I've got everything under control, when sometimes everyone else has me under control.
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Saturday, December 11, 2010

My eyes are burning!

Spencer's project was amazing. I loved it and I love him and he's wonderful at everything he tries, with dancing as maybe the one exception.

We went to see "Easy A" at the dollar theatre with Jimmy + Lady Friend, Meghan, Grant, Alexa, Melissa, Alex, Brandon, Allyson, and Lindsay Cordell. What a fantastic screenplay! I laughed for a million years!

While I was in the movie I got a text from Mike, who I haven't heard from in a while. He was reading the Book of Mormon. Which is good, I'm glad for him. But there's a lot of stuff about our friendship that I'm having a hard time dealing with right now so I'll text him back later I guess.

There's some negative business going down right now. I will write about it when I am not about to drift off into slumber.
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Friday, December 10, 2010

The longest post in the world.

Wednesday was the 24 Hours of Hell marathon. I worked the night before, and got an hour of sleep before I had to begin the day. I was in a zombie coma through the majority of stage crafts, and kind of sat in the corner like a lump until Alex's directing project at 11:30. At noon, when we'd finished our class response (which was very positive, Goob did a nice job), Spencer took me to Lowe's to get some potting soil for my project. Then we took a leisurely lunch, and proceeded to attack the black box and turn it into a funeral pit.

(At this point I feel as though it's really important to say one thing: Spencer is seriously an incredible friend. He was SO HELPFUL -- he was right by my side almost the entire day, and there is no doubt in my mind that my project would have been a load of crap without his help. I love him/owe him my life.)

The actual performance couldn't have gone better. Everyone reacted differently -- which is EXACTLY what I wanted -- and the fact that it was experience-based came through, so I was super relieved. The only thing, I guess, is that Michael is afraid of being buried alive... Which I didn't know... so he had a panic attack or something.

Anyway, after my project, Alex, Spencer, Brandon and I went to Durango's, and then got cookies at Harmon's. Then I went home and slept a bit before work, where Alex joined me. We spent almost my entire shift working on his Nothingness paper. We were totally zoned out for most of the night, but the job got done, even with a couple of laughing fits and a visit from Brandon thrown in.

Anyway, we turned our papers in the next day and all was well. Also on Thursday: a graded acting III performance, with Lego as guest judge. Scary.

After that, I showered, changed my upper radiator hose with Dad (!!!), and then Mom took Spencer and me to dinner as a late birthday gift. Then I went and watched Spencer's directing project rehearsal (which was awesome), and then Spence and I went to my house and laid on my bed and listened to French music from the 50's and slept a little.

At midnight, we had Grant's directing project. It was EFFING COLD outside, but he did a really good job. But while we were walking around, I overheard Michael talking with various people about my project, and I came to a kind of weird realization:

People don't really get me.

I don't mean that in an emo way. It was just something I'd never really wondered about before. I kind of get the feeling that I perplex people? And that they don't really take me very seriously. Which, you know, isn't a big deal. But it was super-strange to be made aware of that fact ALL OF A SUDDEN.

Today wasn't a big deal. Just stage craft review and Allyson's directing project, and then a bunch of sleep. I'm running sound for Spencer's project, so I went to his rehearsal tonight. Then he and Brandon and I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner, and then drove around and said inappropriate things in lazy southern accents.

I love my friends.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

I am taking a brief break from my Samuel Beckett research paper to write this blog. Because I am tired of talking about existentialism and Waiting for Godot and if I have to type "Vladimir and Estragon" one more time my fingers may reach up and poke out my eyes of their own accord. (However: I started this paper at 11:30 and it is now 2:30 and I have five pages, meaning that I have written five pages in three hours, which means that despite the fact that I haven't written a research paper in over a year, I am back to my high school speed!)

Anyway.

I am kind of stressing out. This semester has kicked my butt -- and it makes me really mad! Fall semester of my freshman year I took 18 credits and did two shows, and other than catching pneumonia and having one super-large emotional crisis unrelated to school, I was totally fine. This semester I am taking 15 credits and working and I did one show and right now I kind of feel like I want to die.

Logically, that makes no sense.

Another unfortunate thing is that half of my professors have decided to give finals early. WTF? Why do we have finals week if you're not going to give your final during that week? That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

I'm scared of my directing project (which is tomorrow). I've really thought long and hard about it, and I don't want people to think it's a load of B.S. just because it's not conventional. ANXIETY.

In non-school related business, I'm getting really excited for Christmas. (Even though I will be working almost every night that week. Boo.) Also: Crystal comes home in 9.5 days! Also also: I am hanging out with Grant and Alexa on Saturday, an event which is long overdue but I'm going to justify it by reminding myself that I've basically been unconscious for the past 16 weeks.

I am at work right now. I have eaten about a million watermelon Jolly Ranchers in an attempt to stay awake. I think they just made me kind of sick because I still feel like I could lie down on the floor and pass out at any minute.

Yes.

I guess that's all for now.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sunday.

Today I woke up late, so I went to church with my Mom and Dad. I looked rather like a hoodlum, but it worked out okay because the three of us sat in the back, by a bunch of families that have really young kids, so I didn't have to worry about seeing anyone I'd had mutual with or anything.

It was fast and testimony meeting, and as Bishop Salmon was conducting, he had the opportunity to bear his testimony first. I don't remember what he said, exactly, but I really felt the Spirit in my heart, and for the first time since I made the decision to serve a mission, I was totally overwhelmed with a feeling of love and gratitude. It was like a voice in my head was saying, "I am so proud of you. You made the right choice."

Shortly after Bishop Salmon's testimony, another man got up and talked about the fact that he and his wife had had a very rough year, and as a result of that they had missed a lot of church. He then proceeded to explain all of the ways in which not going to church had impacted his life - and none of them were positive.

I felt as though his testimony was a message to me, individually. If I'm going on a mission, I need to go to church every Sunday and stay for all three hours. That's the truth, plain and simple. And now that I've got Bro. Mike's witness of the power regular attendance has to uplift and inspire, I feel as though it would be super disrespectful not to follow through.

Anyway.

I'm in the process of writing my research paper for Nothingness, and it's got me kind of freaked out. I haven't been required to write a research paper in a little over a year. I don't even know where to begin anymore!

Mrs. Madsen would be so displeased. :(
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Sunday, December 5, 2010

sorry

Every time I vent in a blog I feel like I have to apologize. So, sorry.
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Friday, December 3, 2010

Well.

When I was growing up, I felt totally inconsequential, socially. My sisters were way better at entertaining than I was -- they could laugh and smile and joke at the drop of a hat, whereas I, overcome by all manner of nervousness, had a difficult time even speaking when more than three people were present.

After (eventually) being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, going through therapy and finding the right medication, I mellowed out. When I started high school, I was able to communicate, and to make friends, and once college began and I had Spencer and Lindsay and Rebecca I figured everything was fine and my life would remain (at least somewhat) normal.

Well.

Tonight there was a party. It was at my house. There were people here who I love and count among my dearest friends. And the whole time we were sitting around chatting, shooting the breeze, telling stories I felt like someone had stuck a straw into my heart and was trying to drink it out of me.

I felt so small. So unimportant. For the first time in years, I was overwhelmed with the desire to run into my parents' bedroom and bury myself in blankets (which I used to do when they had students over for the holidays).

Everyone always forgets who I am.

I was sad and lonely and kind of frustrated. I wanted to say, "THIS SHIT DIDN'T GET DONE ON ITS OWN, YOU KNOW."

I wanted to be told "thanks" for something other than playing nice or being patient, without having to sit down and outline all of the reasons why I deserve some attention every once in a while.

But because I'm quiet, I guess it's just not that big a deal.

I feel like shit.

Shitty shit shit.

I can't wait until I'm in the mission field, because I know God is always watching and is always appreciative and never makes anyone feel like nothing they do is ever good enough.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Today is a glorious day.

Today, I:

1. Celebrated the birth of my best friend in the entire world, Spencer.
2. Watched a video lecture on Buddhism.
3. Was reminded how much I hate ginger. Especially when it is sliced to look like carrots.
4. Was enraged by someone else's parents.
5. Cried tears of gratitude for my mustachioed madman.
6. Was reminded that I'm not exactly on top of my game, at the moment.
7. Worked on my directing project.
8. Laughed until I cried (with Alec, who is amazing).
9. Wore a snood for the first time this year.
10. Felt pretty good about the way things are going.

First of all, let me just say that I have the best best friend in the history of the planet. There is no one cooler, more passionate, more curious, more intelligent, more loving than Spencer. I'm so glad he was born! Whoever nabs him is in for a world of joy.

Second of all, tomorrow is going to be looooooooooong. Fun, but looooooooooooooong.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Thoughts, feelings, blah blah blah.

Today, I:

1. Woke up kind of late.
2. Learned the benefits of breathing technique in acting.
3. Actually had a moment of genuine emotional connection to a monologue.
4. Was kind of cranky.
5. Had a good, if brief, conversation with Spencer.
6. Was lonely, again.
7. Went on a little drive with Dad.
8. Was honest about my feelings.
9. Took my frustrations out on someone who didn't deserve it.
10. Had another nap.

I'm learning a lot about myself this week -- and it's only Tuesday/early Wednesday. It's amazing, the progress you can make when you finally take the initiative to be honest with yourself.

Things I've finally owned up to include, but are not limited to:

1. I am lonely.
2. I don't feel like I'm very important to anyone. And so sometimes I am inexplicably resentful, which isn't really fair because I don't think anyone knows that I'd like to be looked after.
3. I hate being told that I need to take care of myself.
4. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for.
5. I need to do more to be spiritually in tune.

Today was a weird day for feelings. Starting last night, I started to wonder about the process by which people become appreciative. Like, what kind of stuff makes people grateful? And if you're doing service ALL THE TIME -- small stuff, like reminding people of homework or offering to give someone a ride -- does it become so commonplace that people feel comfortable rather than thankful? Or is that brand of kindness just not a big deal?

I don't know. I guess I feel underappreciated. I'm a good friend. I know I am. But I don't like being the only one who tells me that, you know?

Haha.

I don't know.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Ugh.

Today I:

1. Finalized my directing project time.
2. Registered for Mission Prep.
3. Harassed Bishop Pete until I got a phone number for Brother Porter, who can make an appointment for me to meet with President Meyers.
4. Was a good friend.
5. Lead the FHE activity.
6. Had my soul crushed.
7. Took a nap with my kitters, Adrian.
8. Was lonely.
9. Had the first hot cocoa of the winter.
10. Wished I had somewhere to go.
11. Had a startling epiphany.
12. Was jealous.
13. Wrote in my journal for the eleventh time this month (a personal best).
14. Hung out with my bro, Ian.
15. Wondered if I was doing the right thing.
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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Reasons why.

REASONS WHY I AM EXCITED FOR TOMORROW:
Time to do my laundry!
Time to do my homework!
Time to sleep!
Spencer comes home!
Time to write in my journal!
Time to read my scriptures!
Spencer comes home!
Time to find an institute class!
SPENCER COMES HOME!

We had a good chat on the phone today. I love him. I'm glad his birthday is this week because it gives me a chance to celebrate the fact that his parents had him, that he ended up here, that we managed to stay friends.

In other news: I love/hate the holidays. I love them because (a) I have time to recuperate from my daily life and (b) I get to hang out with my family. I hate them because we always seem to have some sort of mini-crisis, whether it's one of Dad's holiday meltdowns (which tend to happen on every major holiday of the year) or some kind of weird secret that is discovered or whatever.

Sometimes I'm more tired because of my house than I am because of my homework.

Anyway. I started cleaning my room today, and I think I have previously existed as a hoarder. Which is kind of freaky. I still have all of the stuff I collected when I was in the height of my OCD mania, but I donated a TON of clothes and threw away a bunch of pointless documents that nobody would ever really need. If I manage to get all my homework done tomorrow I'll start alphabetizing my books. They're hideous right now.

Started reading the collected essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson today. Love that guy -- so zen, and (as I discovered by reading his bio) the outside world thought he was incredibly mediocre. If only his professors at Harvard had known that he would go one to become one of the most prominent names in American literature! I bet they were super embarrassed when they met him again in Heaven. Probably all sorts of humble, haha.

Anyway, off to write in my real journal. Tralalalala.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

:) :) :)

Tonight I went on a date with Alex, and it was awesome. He was a super-gentleman (door opening!) and excellent company and I had a wonderful time.

On top of the fact that he's waaaaay talented and cute and a total sweetheart, Alex is a really lighthearted person, and tonight that is exactly what I needed. :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

All in the timing...

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon lately. It seems that every time I get the chance to start dealing with my own life, someone random pops up with a much bigger and more emotionally demanding set of problems. And of course, because I believe in a weird sort of Mormon Karma, I feel like it's my duty to set my own issues aside and help people out.

Today, that perspective changed. Not because I've decided the world can piss off, but because I realized that there have been a couple of people who have taken advantage of me just to satisfy some random Attention Quotient. And one of them made an attempt at my sympathies this afternoon.

Granted, this person doesn't know what I am in the process of addressing in my personal life. This person doesn't know that I am currently waiting for a prescription refill to come in, or that I am trying to clear up some nasty energy blockades. I guess what bothered me is that this person never really seems to care about what I'm going through. Apparently I'm supposed to be sunshine and rainbows all the time.

I am more than happy to help people out when they genuinely need it. I am. I love taking care of my friends and family. But if someone does something for attention, or knows full well what their consequences will be... sorry. There's nothing I can do, except for hope that they find whatever it is they're looking for.

In other news, I love Spencer. He is a wonderful friend (even when he's being a douche or accidentally hitting me in the head) and I'm glad I have him.
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Thursday, November 18, 2010

A sense of liberation.

I have a lot of secrets, and I'm tired of it, so come this weekend I am going to do something I probably should have done a long time ago.

I am writing them all down. I am making a copy. I am putting one set of these secrets into an envelope which I will seal and paste to the inside cover of my journal. The other copy will be burned, as an act of catharsis.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Just to get it off my chest...

Okay. I have tried really hard to be nice about this. I've tried to keep my opinions to myself and let the world go on as it is, but lately there's been such an influx of irritation that I really just have to get this off my chest before I snap and pop someone in the face.

I effing HATE Glee.

"WHAT?!" you may exclaim. "But it's so hilarious/sweet/awkward! Surely you love those misfit teenagers at some level! Surely you enjoy their musical stylings!"

No. No, I don't.

I don't want to read Facebook statuses about tonight's musical montage. I don't want to hear that Kurt is the best gay character, ever. (Please. Someone, watch Ugly Betty.) I don't want to listen to anyone else sing "Don't Stop Believin'" at Applebee's Karaoke Night. I don't want to see people from my ward at The Rocky Horror Picture Show just because their favorite TV program made it look "kind of cute and fun."

I don't care if you like it. That's fine, there are different strokes for different folks. But no amount of dedicated promotion, enthusiastic episode-quoting, or pitiful whining will change my mind.

Glee just isn't for me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wednesday, Schmednesday.

Sometimes at work I have to snack to stay awake. Tonight, I made the unfortunate mistake of buying Bugles. I don't know that my stomach will forgive me...

School has been pretty good this week. I made it to stage crafts on Monday (for the first time in a week -- yay, health!). In directing, we got our opera assignments, and I'm really excited because I got the track I wanted most of all. It's this jaunty baritone thing, and I cannot wait to stage my concept. It's nuts -- Spencer begged to be my actor, and I know he's gonna do a great job. I think it'll be hilarious, and I will definitely try to post pictures or video or something.

Also, the cast list for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof went up. What I know is as follows:

Brick - Alex
Maggie - Belinda
Gooper - Bryant
Mae - Michelle
Big Daddy - Dad (Lane as u/s)
Big Mama - Mom (Grace as u/s)
Reverend - AJ
Doctor - Bill

First of all, let me just say that I AM SO EXCITED FOR ALEX! He really is so talented, and he's such as sweetheart. I know this is going to be a super amazing experience for him, and I can't wait to see what he brings to the table. I am also so proud of and excited for my cute little friends, Belinda and Michelle. They are such hard workers, and such lovely ladies.

In other news, this weekend is Halloween! I'm gonna try to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Friday night (it's kind of a Hannah & Spencer tradition now). Michael and Kristina are coming over to hang out and play Scrabble at around 9 PM on Saturday, and I think I'm going to the Howl with some people from school... but I'm not positive. We talked about it once or twice, but nobody's brought it up since. So I guess I'll figure it out.

In my free time, I've been trying to find potential Irene Ryan scenes. So far I've come across a couple of good things. There are scenes in Neil LaBute's Fat Pig (even though Helen really annoys me as a character), Chekhov's Ivanov (though I need to find a better translation) and Donald Margulies' Time Stands Still. I totally ruled out The Heidi Chronicles, because the male characters are way more interesting and dynamic than the female characters, as well as Oleanna because I don't think I'll be able to find a male scene partner who looks old enough to be a professor. I still need to re-read the Restoration plays we studied in theatre history & lit II -- people keep telling me that I should look at scripts written in elevated language, so I figured The Rivals would be a good bet. Slash it's a huge stylistic contrast to any modern piece I might choose.

I still have no idea what to do for a monologue.

Anyway, I have to gather my acting III monologues again becacuse, apparently, I didn't turn them in (which is code for "Dad lost them"). Joy of joys.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Up waaaay too late.

It's been an interesting couple of days. I am now almost completely over that unholy cold -- all that remains is the cough, which I will probably have for the next six months thanks to the Davenport Family Asthma. But my ability to breathe has been restored, so I feel okay about hacking up my internal organs every once in a while.

Las night, Spencer and I went to see "Hereafter," which was a freaking incredible movie, and afterwards we had a super nice chat. I love that boy. Even at the most random times, he has this ability to say exactly what I need to hear -- whether I like it or not, haha.

Today I went to church and then went over to Alex's house for a while to help him with some homework. That kid is an absolute gem, and I'm way glad we're friends. Anyway, I came home for a bit to hang out with my family, but I went back over to Goob's house later and we watched the most hilarious video of a woman named Galatea doing some "Greek" dancing in a garden in Boca Raton, Florida. It was way crazy!

Then we helped each other with our monologue for auditions on Tuesday, and had a singularly hilarious conversation about a score of ridiculous things that have befallen us in our lives.

Seriously, Alex is awesome.

Anyway, time for bed! Goodnight, internet!
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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Well, I want to die.

I have been sick with the world's most heinous cold for the past three days. No taste buds. No air. No voice. No hearing. No sleep. Still trying to recover from surgery, and damnitalltohell, my body is completely miserable. I am sitting in the back office at work literally bawling my eyes out.

And speaking of work, I hate my job. I hate being alone for so many hours in a row, with nobody to talk to and nothing to think about except all of the stupid things in my life that I'm missing or behind on because I never get any sleep. Being here makes me the loneliest. $8.50 an hour is not enough when you consider that I'm getting compensated for what essentially equates to hardcore psychological damage.

I've picked up blogging again as a way to distract myself, but it doesn't really seem to be working. I want to see my friends again. I want to be healthy. I want to get to class on time, I want to get good grades, and most importantly I want to get back to being the Hannah that I am naturally. But that's never going to happen if I don't have the time to recover, you know?

Eff. Effity eff eff.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Trippy Dippy.

First day back at school since surgery... not quite sure I should have gone. I had a really hard time focusing because of the pain meds, and then my bra kept catching on my top right incision which was WAY UNCOMFORTABLE. Too bad my boobs are huge. Otherwise, I would wear a hoodie and call it good.

Tonight at FHE, Spencer did a Halloween makeup demonstration and then we kind of chatted about his trip to Arcata. Apparently Humboldt still uses a patch board, which is a pretty big turn off for someone coming from our super swanky facilities. But he said the town is really nice, very low maintenance.

I think I am catching Alec's cold, which sucks hardcore. I don't want to be full of holes and air and hacking up a lung all at once! I just want things to happen one at a time. :(
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Friday, October 15, 2010

Gallbladder free!

Today was surgery day, and everything went very well! Apart from a bit of stomach pressure and air bubbles in my shoulders, I feel pretty awesome. I can only eat soft things right now, but I think that's for the best considering my air pocket situation. At the moment I am deeply enjoying a delicious Kozy Shack chocolate pudding.

I just got off the phone with Spencer - he's doing really well and seems like he is having a good time in California. It was kind of hard to hold my phone because I am full of air bubbles, and there is a bad one in my shoulder. I hope that gets better tomorrow.

Anyway, it's time for another pain pill so I am gonna take that and go to bed!
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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Frrrrr.

Fall break! Eff yeah!

But seriously, this "holiday" has been a long time coming. Even though Friday is Gallbladder Removal Day and Spencer is on his way to Arcata, I could not be happier about a four-day weekend.

Today was an interesting sort of day. In stage crafts, I stretched muslin over the frame of my flat. Then Alex and I went to set up for our directing project, which had a surprise audience of like twenty people, most of them strangers. Then Spencer, Allyson, Alex and I restored 156 to its previous glory, and Spencer and I went to Roberto's.

After that, I went home and conked out until about 3:00 PM, when I had to bounce over to the hospital and get some blood drawn for pre-surgery tests. Then I slept from 4:00 to about 5:30, and then from 5:45 until 6:50. Dad, Alec and I went to Phoebe's choir concert -- which was awesome -- and then we all went to Dairy Queen and then I went to work and that's where I've been ever since.

It's been an active, if not completely pleasant, shift so far. I feel super-nauseous, which is totally lame. I have had a couple of inexplicable nosebleeds. And then there is this crazy cricket with really long head-feelers that keeps creeping around and it's making me paranoid.

I'm trying to find a new job. The graveyard shift is killing me. I think it's psychologically damaging to be totally alone for such a long time. I applied to work as a hostess at Texas Roadhouse, so... pray for me? I need a daytime job! No more vampire life!

Earlier tonight, I got to talk to Natalie, who I met through Spencer. She's super cute/fun! We had a good little chat about how similar we are -- it's almost as though we're southern/northern counterparts. Anyway, it was nice to know that we'd had some of the same type of experiences.

It's time to run the night audit. So. I guess I'm gonna do that. :)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Yeah, okay.

Today was interesting. I woke up late, but made it to Nothingness (in sweats, sans makeup) on time. We watched a video about the composer John Cage (who may be either a genius or a hack -- I can't decide for certain) and Spencer and I wrote inappropriate notes to one another throughout the duration of the lecture.

After that, he and I grabbed lunch at Jimmy Johns. Then I went to acting III, and, after that, to Tuacahn to help Jan coach some kids for Shakespeare competition. I had a blast, and am definitely going back tomorrow afternoon.

Unfortunately, while I was watching the ensemble scene, Andy came in and said that two kids at Snow Canyon had been hit by lightening. Shortly thereafter, we learned that one of the kids who'd been struck was Dane Zdunich, whose sister, Kendle, goes to Tuacahn. I don't know who the other kid was, but if you pray, I'd recommend praying for those guys.

The show went pretty well tonight, except for one thing. Just after act II, Kristina came off stage and collapsed -- I guess because the lights had set off her migraine -- so Christa went on as Elvira for act III. We were able to track down Michael so that he could get Kristina home, which was really good because I don't think she'd have done well lying in the hallway. Christa was really nervous about going on, but she did an excellent job for having such little warning.

Susan Garner and her husband came to see Spencer and I, which made me really happy. I love Susan, she's one of the most fascinating and hilarious people I've ever met. And she was such a sweetheart to us -- she told us both that we were incredibly talented, and then she told me that I had a really tremendous range, which I consider to be a huge compliment. Susan isn't the kind of person to blow sunshine up your skirt.

Anyway, I'm at work right now. The first hour went by pretty quickly because the new bellman, Nick, stayed and chatted with me. He's a nice kid. I've been texting Melissa since about 2:00 AM, which has been nice because it gives me a reason to stay awake. I have a feeling I'm going to be having a serious problem staying awake in stage crafts tomorrow.

I have an academic advisement meeting with Hanna tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous I missed something somewhere and I may not be able to graduate. Not that that would be the end of the world... it would just go against all my plans. Which would be the end of the world.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Onomatopoeia.

It is the Monday-est of all Mondays. My stomach hurts like a bitch because of my stupid non-functional gallbladder. I wore my sock-shoes on the day it rained and my toes have been cold ever since Spencer and I ran through those puddles on our way to lunch. Also, due to a series of poorly timed events, I was prevented from introducing myself to an incredibly attractive man.

Frrrrr.

At least it's been raining? I hope it continues throughout tomorrow, I LOVE this dreary weather.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Well, fuh.

I am starting this thing over. It's been too long since I've updated, and my life has changed so much that I don't really feel as though there's any reason to attempt to recap, or even to stick with the previous format. I'm different now than I was in May, and I'm working on living in the present so I guess that's that. :)

Firstly, let me just say that the biggest change I've experienced in the past four months is that of direction. I'm still graduating in the spring, but rather than going off to grad school I have chosen to go on a mission. (Well, technically I was kind of told I needed to go, but I've accepted the call so there was some action involved on my part.) I'll do grad school when I get back, which will be nice because I will have 18 extra months of my life planned out!

Right now, I'm in the middle of the run of Blithe Spirit. It's going very well so far -- everyone seems to be enjoying the production and, apart from a small amount of backstage drama, the whole thing has been very professional. (I won't discuss the drama because it is WAY LESS RIDICULOUS than the stuff that happened over the summer [which was terrible].)

We were adjudicated tonight by Matt Neves from SUU, and he had a lot of really good insights, as well as some very pleasing compliments. I like him a lot -- he was one of my respondents during Irene Ryan rounds in February -- and it was nice to know that he had a good time.

In other news, I have to have my gallbladder removed. I am scheduled for surgery on the fifteenth, which is right over fall break and so I won't miss any class. I'm already so behind in math because of it, I honestly can't wait to have the little bastard removed.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. More misinformation to come shortly. :)

Friday, May 28, 2010

Day 18: Watching the Days Go By...

First, let me say one thing: I hate getting a Facebook request from someone who is not my friend. Whether they are family members, co-workers, schoolmates, friends-of-friends, etc. -- if we have not spent any time together of our own volition, we are probably not homies.

Second, I just want to let the internet know that for all of our random fighting, my Dad is probably the coolest guy I know. He may be super illogical sometimes, but he is also SUPER generous, supportive, and fun. Mom, Zoe, Ian and Alec are all going out of town next week and Phib and I are stoked to get to hang out with our Pep-Pep. :)

Third, stage managing is not my favorite (I want to play!), but I'm so, SO grateful to be working with Josh as my director. He's been so mellow and productive, it's insane. It's making everything a breeze for everyone. (Let's just hope that dynamic stays the same for our off-book rehearsals, haha.)

Fourth, I applied for a job as a night auditor at Best Western. Y'all should keep your fingers crossed for me.

Fifth, I can't wait for my history class to start. Homework is something I dearly, dearly miss -- I just can't wait for the learning to begin!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 17: Oh, heavens.

Life is going well. I've started cleaning/redecorating my bedroom because right now, other than the heinous mess, it doesn't look like it belongs to anyone. I went to Dollar Tree and got like a million document frames for all my certificates, and I hope to be hanging those this afternoon. Also, once my floor is visible, I'm going to start re-alphabetizing my bookshelf. This morning, Crystal Reed and I went to pull props for Comedy Storm, and we managed to find almost everything so it's been a largely productive day so far.

Last night, after rehearsal and watching Medium, I hung out with Spencer. We had a good time -- ate at Wing Nutz, got some ice cream, watched What the Bleep Do We Know? -- but there was also the intrusion of a small emotional tussle. I won't get into the nature of it, but I will say that I get frustrated with him sometimes because I get the vibe that he feels completely inconvenienced by my friendship. Like my wanting to spend time with him is this huge burden he can't handle. And I'm kind of like, "Okay, well, sorry I care about you, I guess. Sorry I find your company enjoyable. Maybe I'll try and knock myself into a coma so that I'm not lonely and you don't have to put up with me."

...Which is waaaaay melodramatic, hahahaha, but that's honestly the point I get to sometimes. I don't know, I'm not super upset or anything. (I was last night, it took about twenty minutes for me to put my feelings away.) I guess I just get frustrated because all I really want in life is to be able to love people, and it seems like every other second I have someone trying to tell me that they're not worth it or not interested or blah blah blah. And nobody gets that I don't care about any of that, I don't care about anyone being able to love me back. Just as long as I get to give something, I'm happy!

Sigh sigh sigh.

But anyway, other than that incident, I'm feeling incredibly progressive and enthusiastic about existence. My tendon is feeling a lot better, I'm completely over that dreadful cold, and I'm starting a new exercise regimen on Monday. Also, I'm giving up Diet Coke... after the Lost series finale. :)

In totally trivial news: Deer Tick's new album is awesome. I bought a do-it-yourself autobiography called Listography: Your Life in Lists which has been a TON of fun. The same author has one about music that I want to get the next time I get paid. Also, a recent self-discovery: I want to be Emmylou Harris when I grow up.

The end.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 16: Should I, after tea and cakes and ices...

Haven't updated in a while, mostly due to Summer Sadness (a condition I develop as the social and academic activites in my life die down and I am forced to fend for myself, as far as the occupation of time goes). I've only gotten dressed like three times since school got out, the rest of my time has been spent in pajamas and it's made me feel like a big, lazy goon.

Fortunately, we've started rehearsal for Exit the Body now. Granted, I have never stage managed before and I am incredibly nervous about getting all of this business sorted out, but I'm so grateful to have at least three hours of my day occupied by SOMETHING. Not to mention Michelle, Mike, Kristina and Alex were all cast in this show so I'll get some kind of socialization on a regular basis. Hopefully this show keeps me sane until my two (only two...) summer classes start.

Unfortunately, there is one cast member who I am not looking forward to dealing with. I will not name names, but this particular person is someone who grates on my nerves like ONE THOUSAND PERCENT. I am praying for patience in dealing with this person. Without it, I may punch them square in the nose.

In other news, today Dad and I kind of had a weird debate/fight/argument/tense discussion about my impending graduation from good ol' DSC. It's very likely that I'll be graduating at the end of next spring semester, since I was a nerd and took a total of 36 credits my freshman year. I can make my degree take the full four years, but it's kind of a situation where I have to choose between (A) being overwhelmed for one more year or (B) being underwhelmed for another two. I'm sure that anyone who knows me can guess that I'm leaning towards option A.

Anyway, Dad thinks I should take my time. Which is reasonable, as it would give me more time to study for the GRE and I wouldn't have to take 18 credits this upcoming semester. But for some reason I just don't feel like it's a good idea... even though I have no idea where I want to go to grad school and am as poor as a church mouse. I dunno. Throughout the whole little chat, I got the impression that he was only concerned with logistics -- like my terrible math skills and complete lack of away-from-home experience -- rather than taking my thoughts or feelings into consideration.

I know I'm pretty unprepared for grad school, but I just have this feeling that I need to go, and soon. I don't even know where I'll end up, but there's something pulling me into the future -- something that's waiting for me -- and I want to get to it before someone else does, especially if it's meant for me. I want to operate on a spiritual timeline, not the Standard Academic one.

Sigh. The future is scary business.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been having terrible anticipatory nightmares. In one, I was aware of the fact that my grandmother (dream-grandma, not based on either real grandmas) was preparing to murder me while I did housework for her. The murder never took place. The entire dream was me, doing chores, knowing I was about to die. In another, I had stolen a car and was being followed by the police, waiting for their lights to start flashing, knowing I was about to be arrested. There are a couple more -- one where I am anticipating being told that I have failed out of school, one where I am anticipating being date raped. I don't know where this stuff is coming from, but other than the fact that nothing actually happens, the one thing these dreams all have in common is my unwillingness/inability to (get out of/recall how I got into) these situations. I'm kind of freaked out. It's made me really nervous before I go to bed.

So... yeah. I guess that's all I really have to say about that. I just thought it was intriguing.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 15: Hannah - the Album (Vol. I)

So, I've been working for a while on a musical summary of my personality. I'm expecting this to take a few discs, but the first volume in the series has been completed, so I thought I'd do a little tracklist/explanation post. (Also, I made myself an album cover, because I am that good at procrastination!)



1. I Was Born (A Unicorn) - The Unicorns
We're the unicorns,
We're more than horses!
We're the unicorns, and we're people, too!



In addition to being a super-fun song about unicorns (which are my favorite mythical creature!), I interpret this little ditty as being very symbolic of my place on this planet. I've been criticized throughout my youth and young adulthood for having high expectations of others, as well as myself. Whenever I listen to this song, especially the declaration at the end, all I can think about is being proud of the way I am, no matter how unrealistic it is.


2. King of Spain - The Tallest Man on Earth
Why are you stabbing my illusion?
Just 'cause I stole some eagle's wings?
Because you named me as your lover?
Well, I thought I could be anything.



While I do have serious issues with people imposing limitations on me, I really relate to the energy of this song. It's so... progressive? Emphatic? I can't think of the right adjective to describe it, but every time I listen to those enthusiastically strummed guitar chords, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of triumph -- an almost idealistic joy, which I try to experience as frequently as possible. :)


3. Nothing to Worry About - Peter, Bjorn and John
Negative.
Why always so negative?
If you have problems, why don't you go solve them?



The percussion in this song is something that I relate to on some strangely emotional plane. It's got an obvious sense of utility, as well as this funky sort of flair -- a quirkiness, an out-of-placeness. Not to mention the fact that I love every sentiment expressed in the lyrics. Be proactive! Be positive! Suffocate the planet with your good will!


4. Neapolitan Bridesmaid - Tarkio
Albert Camus said "living is anguish,"
But don't dare let those bastards carry you down.



Another triumphant tune. Though I don't think this is a prime showcase of Colin Meloy's lyrical ability, I am absolutely in love with the determination of this line. I repeat it to myself all the time, and I think it provides a pretty accurate picture of my personal outlook on life.


5. Daniel - Bat For Lashes
And as my head spun 'round,
my dreams pulled me from the ground --
forever to search for the flame,
for home again...



Oh, boy, I get emotionally attached SO FAST.


6. The Cave - Mumford and Sons
Cause I need freedom now,
and I need to know how to
live my life as it's meant to be.



I'm all about The Purpose of Life, in both a philosophical and religious sense. Anyone who has had a single serious conversation with me can probably attest to this fact. I believe in attempting to be in alignment with everything in the cosmos; in integrating social, spiritual, political and ethical beliefs as we attempt to organize our individuality. This song contains many powerful statements about such stuff.


7. Sun Hands - Local Natives
I'll endure the night
for the promise of light
.


I think that line pretty much sums up my whole existence. I'm on some weird quest for truth.


8. Hannah - Ray LaMontagne

I can't really put specific lyrics in this section, because they're (obviously) all about someone named Hannah, and to me that seems kind of egoistic. Anyway, the thing I really identify with in this song is the sense of complete faith in and dedication to someone you care about. I am madly in love with everyone I know, and I feel this level of loyalty for everybody. :)


9. Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby - Islands
Sugar, dumpling, muffin, baby --
this world is going crazy.



This is a Hannah-song because of its sound and composition rather than its lyrical content (although I do agree with the quote above). This is the kind of music I hear in my head when I'm taking a test... which I guess is pretty indicative of my personality.


10. Lust for Life - Girls
Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend.
I wish I had a loving man in my life
.


This song is about being so jealous you're absolutely confused. As someone who gets very attached to people I'm close to, this happens on occasion. I don't like sharing. (Group friendship is okay. But if I don't know you and you're trying to steal from my social life, I will probably be very pissed off.)


11. Elevate Myself - Grandaddy
I don't want to be a part of all the quality that falls apart these days.
I'd rather make an honest sound
and watch it fly around
and then be on my way.



Pretty self-explanatory.


12. Beautiful Morning Light - Fruit Bats
Press your lips upon this hornet's kiss,
and I will blow the tiny spider off your wrist.
You're the only one I wish to lay here with,
in the beautiful morning light.



I am a die-hard transcendentalist, and songs like this fill me with an overwhelming sense of peace.


13. Pot Kettle Black - Wilco
I myself have found
a real rival in myself.



To me, this song is about recognizing your own faults and, rather than focusing on criticizing other people, working on yourself. I try to do that, even though I don't always succeed.


14. Bottle Up and Explode! - Elliott Smith
Bottle up and explode, over and over.
Keep the troublemaker below,
put it away and check out for the day.



Oh my gosh, I am just so in love with this song. I think it hits close to home for me, as an actress, because it can kind of be interpreted as getting Hooked on Feelings... whether they're positive or not. That's not necessarily something that's supported lyrically, but that's what it means to me.


15. Taking Control - Eisley
When we get down,
if we get down,
we'll get up again.



I didn't realize it until just now, but I relate to a lot of songs about conquering something oppressive.


16. O, Valencia! - The Decemberists
But, oh, Valencia,
with your blood still warm on the ground --
Valencia --
And I swear to the stars
I'll burn this whole city down!



In the immortal words of the Format: "I love love. I love being in love, I don't care what it does to me."


17. Judy and the Dream of Horses - Belle and Sebastian
The best looking boys are taken.
The best looking girls are staying inside.
So, Judy, where does that leave you?
Walking the streets from morning to night.



This song means something different to me every time I listen to it. There's nothing definitive I can say, other than that I included it because it's stayed in my Top 10 Favorite Songs since I first heard it, back in 2003.


18. Can't Keep It In - Cat Stevens
Oh, I can't keep it in.
I can't keep it in, I've gotta let it out.
I've got to show the world, the world's got to see --
see all the love, love that's in me.



Cat Stevens is my hero. I've never come across another songwriter with such profound and uplifting lyrics. My ultimate goal in life is to completely embody this song.


19. Congratulations - MGMT
As strange as it seems,
I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me
.


This song has so much social, political, and emotional commentary -- it's almost impossible to explain how I feel when I listen to it. I guess, for me personally, it goes back to transcendentalism and connection to nature/the cosmos/your spirit. And, strangely, the sort of synthesized-harp-thing going on at the end really makes all the hair on my arms stand up. It strikes a nerve, energy-wise.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 14: I'm Not a Celebrity, But Could You Please Get Me Out of Here, Anyway?

Today I feel trapped in my body. Not in an "I'm fat/ugly/terrible!" way, but in an anxious kind of way. It seems like all of this energy has collected inside me and I just want to crack myself open and let everything out! I really feel like I'm going crazy, I'm totally losing my mind and all because of being SO CONSTRICTED by my bones and my organs and my skin!!!!!!

I would seriously give anything to get out of this.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 13: A Bit Philosophical

I read somewhere, once, that everybody already knows everything, and that the process of learning isn't so much learning as it is remembering -- and the more comfortable I become with the existence of my cosmic scope, the more thoroughly I am entranced by this philosophy. It seems that the next few months are going to be filled with remembering.

I keep having these out-of-body experiences. Not the kind where I'm outside, looking at my physical self from across the room -- the kind where all of a sudden I feel jolted out of my own consciousness. It's like my mind has stretched out in all directions. No matter where I am, I feel grounded, and completely whole, and (most importantly) overwhelmed with two unmistakable sensations: love and peace. But these experiences are over just as quickly as they begin, and in an instant I've returned to my bedroom, my classroom, my car. I'm just Hannah again. I've forgotten.

I guess this could all sound very weird and new age-y, or like I've been taking drugs. But all my life I've been looking for something completely true -- I've tried to find it in relationships, in friendships, in art and music and nature -- and these feelings of love and peace are the most true things I think I've ever dealt with before.

The end.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 12: Having Taken a Brief Vay-Cay...

Things are looking considerably more beautiful than they were the last time I updated. I think this is partially due to the conference attendance/mini-vacation that was Kansas City. I got to spend a lot of time with one of the most interesting people I've ever met: Carly. (Holy cow, is she awesome.) Apart from looking at mind-bending theatrical gadgets and talking to reps from different colleges, Carly and I spent a good deal of time (a) napping, (b) reading scriptchas, and (c) watching Frasier/basketball. It was really nice to give myself a rest, and to have the company of such a mellow person. She's delightful, and I actually kind of miss getting to chill with her so frequently.

Also in Kansas City: Spencer and I had a couple of Serious Chats. These were benificial (as far as I am aware). I feel like we can be better friends for each other now. Oh, and I got super into the New Testament. I know that there are people who think it's weird to bring your scriptures on trips, but I LOVED having the opportunity to read without interruption. That's not something I get a lot at home, haha.

In recent news: I got a haircut. Miss Saigon is totally awesome (props to my good buddy Joel, who gives an AMAZING performance as the Engineer). I am getting, like, ridiculously organized... which is kind of a laugh considering the semester's almost over, but I cleaned out my closet! I sent like eighty-billion bags to D.I.! I now have all of my past schoolwork tucked away tidily rather than stacked in a waist-high pile next to my bed! Whether or not I'm making progress, I feel like I am, haha.

This week, my darling friend Mike and I had the good fortune to enjoy two hilarious movies: Date Night and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. A good time was had by all. :)

Also, I found the MOST INCREDIBLE bargain book at B&N. It's called The Human Odyssey by Thomas Armstrong, and it is one of the most informative/inspirational things I've ever set my eyes on. It details a human being's progression through twelve stages of life, including the physiological, psychological, and spiritual developments which usually manifest at these stages. It's a really mind-blowing read. For example, I learned that people may not remember their time in the womb because oxytocin, the hormone which causes contractions during childbirth, also functions as an amnesiac. (!!!!!!!!!) Also, there are so many interesting comments about religion, lore, and mythological beliefs concerning the divine origins of mankind. I love it.

Anyway, that's all for today. The end, goodbye, tra la la. :)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 11: A Bit Mope-y

After a thorough analysis of the past couple of years of my life, I've come to a rather startling conclusion: I was cursed by a social gypsy.

Why, you ask? Just when I develop a really nice rapport with someone, they tend to vanish. This can be illustrated by two comparative lists.

LIST ONE: People I've Bonded With (2007-2010)

Spencer
Carley
Aaron
Crystal
Sadie
Brandon
Mrs. Madsen
Autumn
Jaden
Becca
Lindsay
Travis
Whitney
Matt
Scott

LIST TWO: People Who Vanished/Are in the Process of Vanishing (2007-2010)

Carley (California)
Aaron (Oregon)
Crystal (Hawaii)
Sadie (the North Country)
Brandon (Mission)
Mrs. Madsen (England)
Autumn (Midwest)
Jaden (Mission)
Becca (the North Country)
Lindsay (Marriage)
Travis (Leaving soonish)
Whitney (Leaving soonish)
Matt (the North Country)
Scott (Heaven)

This leaves: Spencer, and Mike. I get the vibe my bearded friend is vanishing in his own way, still physically present but kind of drifting in and out of things.

I know I've been accused of being both clingy and demanding, and I don't deny that either of those things are true. But the thing that is the worst for people with whom I interact -- the thing that's worst for me -- is that those behaviors are symptoms of a bizarre sort of hyper-loyalty, a crazed dedication which (if you ask me) stems from the fact that I believe in the Golden Rule. And because I don't necessarily feel that people are loyal, I try to augment that aspect of things by overdoing it. An example of this is listening. When I feel as though I'm not being listened to, I try much harder to listen to others.

I guess in some way it's like I'm trying to manipulate Karma, like I'm trying to speed up What Goes Around so that it Comes Around more quickly.

I don't know. Right now I'm tired and very confused.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 10: A Bit Better

Today was bizarre. Slept in until 3:40 PM, which means that I got almost 15 hours of sleep (!!!!!!). Zoe, Phoebe, Mom and I practiced the song we're singing for Grandpa's funeral ("O My Father"), then Phibs and I ran to the store. I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, we watched The Fountain, and I started writing a song. Then I talked to Sadie for about an hour, which was an absolute blast -- I love her to bits! -- made soup, watched Medium with Mom, and am now in the process of searching for the OMPST for The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Not feeling as depressed, but I've got this super-strange headache which is making me feel dizzy, so that's not the greatest. Still kind of pissed that Spencer's in California... hopefully I'll get over it before he comes home. I'm not in the mood to explain my insecurities.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from Macbeth. Mostly of me, since this is my blog. The end.