Friday, December 3, 2010

Well.

When I was growing up, I felt totally inconsequential, socially. My sisters were way better at entertaining than I was -- they could laugh and smile and joke at the drop of a hat, whereas I, overcome by all manner of nervousness, had a difficult time even speaking when more than three people were present.

After (eventually) being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, going through therapy and finding the right medication, I mellowed out. When I started high school, I was able to communicate, and to make friends, and once college began and I had Spencer and Lindsay and Rebecca I figured everything was fine and my life would remain (at least somewhat) normal.

Well.

Tonight there was a party. It was at my house. There were people here who I love and count among my dearest friends. And the whole time we were sitting around chatting, shooting the breeze, telling stories I felt like someone had stuck a straw into my heart and was trying to drink it out of me.

I felt so small. So unimportant. For the first time in years, I was overwhelmed with the desire to run into my parents' bedroom and bury myself in blankets (which I used to do when they had students over for the holidays).

Everyone always forgets who I am.

I was sad and lonely and kind of frustrated. I wanted to say, "THIS SHIT DIDN'T GET DONE ON ITS OWN, YOU KNOW."

I wanted to be told "thanks" for something other than playing nice or being patient, without having to sit down and outline all of the reasons why I deserve some attention every once in a while.

But because I'm quiet, I guess it's just not that big a deal.

I feel like shit.

Shitty shit shit.

I can't wait until I'm in the mission field, because I know God is always watching and is always appreciative and never makes anyone feel like nothing they do is ever good enough.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Today is a glorious day.

Today, I:

1. Celebrated the birth of my best friend in the entire world, Spencer.
2. Watched a video lecture on Buddhism.
3. Was reminded how much I hate ginger. Especially when it is sliced to look like carrots.
4. Was enraged by someone else's parents.
5. Cried tears of gratitude for my mustachioed madman.
6. Was reminded that I'm not exactly on top of my game, at the moment.
7. Worked on my directing project.
8. Laughed until I cried (with Alec, who is amazing).
9. Wore a snood for the first time this year.
10. Felt pretty good about the way things are going.

First of all, let me just say that I have the best best friend in the history of the planet. There is no one cooler, more passionate, more curious, more intelligent, more loving than Spencer. I'm so glad he was born! Whoever nabs him is in for a world of joy.

Second of all, tomorrow is going to be looooooooooong. Fun, but looooooooooooooong.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Thoughts, feelings, blah blah blah.

Today, I:

1. Woke up kind of late.
2. Learned the benefits of breathing technique in acting.
3. Actually had a moment of genuine emotional connection to a monologue.
4. Was kind of cranky.
5. Had a good, if brief, conversation with Spencer.
6. Was lonely, again.
7. Went on a little drive with Dad.
8. Was honest about my feelings.
9. Took my frustrations out on someone who didn't deserve it.
10. Had another nap.

I'm learning a lot about myself this week -- and it's only Tuesday/early Wednesday. It's amazing, the progress you can make when you finally take the initiative to be honest with yourself.

Things I've finally owned up to include, but are not limited to:

1. I am lonely.
2. I don't feel like I'm very important to anyone. And so sometimes I am inexplicably resentful, which isn't really fair because I don't think anyone knows that I'd like to be looked after.
3. I hate being told that I need to take care of myself.
4. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for.
5. I need to do more to be spiritually in tune.

Today was a weird day for feelings. Starting last night, I started to wonder about the process by which people become appreciative. Like, what kind of stuff makes people grateful? And if you're doing service ALL THE TIME -- small stuff, like reminding people of homework or offering to give someone a ride -- does it become so commonplace that people feel comfortable rather than thankful? Or is that brand of kindness just not a big deal?

I don't know. I guess I feel underappreciated. I'm a good friend. I know I am. But I don't like being the only one who tells me that, you know?

Haha.

I don't know.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Ugh.

Today I:

1. Finalized my directing project time.
2. Registered for Mission Prep.
3. Harassed Bishop Pete until I got a phone number for Brother Porter, who can make an appointment for me to meet with President Meyers.
4. Was a good friend.
5. Lead the FHE activity.
6. Had my soul crushed.
7. Took a nap with my kitters, Adrian.
8. Was lonely.
9. Had the first hot cocoa of the winter.
10. Wished I had somewhere to go.
11. Had a startling epiphany.
12. Was jealous.
13. Wrote in my journal for the eleventh time this month (a personal best).
14. Hung out with my bro, Ian.
15. Wondered if I was doing the right thing.
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