Friday, March 5, 2010

Day 9: Sonofagun

So, Ol' Pa's passed on. Funeral is on Tuesday, internment on Wednesday... That's really all there is to say about that.

Macbeth went really well! We almost sold out several nights, and I think that (for the most part) it was a really consistent production. I had a blast working with everyone -- Travis taught me a lot -- and I am really glad to have had the opportunity to work on such a challenging role. Frank Bryant and I are the Irene Ryan nominees from the show, and boy, are we stoked! I'm going to start ordering plays ASAP... probably with student loan money, haha.

Anyway, onto more thought-provoking stuff.

Socially, I feel like I'm in kind of an awkward place. Like, people need me to be something specific, and it's more along the lines of being a good listener than being someone who is having feelings and experiences of their own. I have a lot I'd like to talk about, a lot of personal business, but I feel like the only people I can trust with certain things are either (a) too emotionally drained because of their own lives or (b) completely disinterested.

It's kind of a difficult spot, because I've had some scary shiz happen this week. Grandpa's death, the physical manifestation of incredibly negative energy, complete vulnerability, progressing anxiety... and all in a period of five or six days. Spencer's in California with Sara (which is a shitstorm in and of itself)... and to be completely honest, I feel very alone. For the past four hours I've been sitting in my room doing crossword puzzles and listening to the Crazy Heart soundtrack.

I just want to sleep for eighty million years.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Day 8: The Scariest

Macbeth opens tomorrow, and boy am I terrified.

I know I probably shouldn't be, seeing as how I've been working on this character/with Michael/with Travis for like five months, but this is the first Big Deal Role I've ever really had. The pressure of knowing that every individual audience member will be waiting for me to fill an expectation is kind of menacing, especially since Michael has told me like a million and six times not to worry about getting it right. Ultimately, the character's experience being honestly portrayed is the primary goal... but I still want people to think I'm good at what I do.

Eugh. Anyway...

Trav and Whitney came over tonight, which was tons of fun. I got them caught up on Lost and then we talked about life/theatre/our lives in theatre. They have so many interesting insights and opinions about the world's goings-on and, much like my darling friend Mike, seem to really take me seriously when I speak, which is something I desperately appreciate. Lately it seems as though people (one in particular... but right now I'll talk about people in general) think of my existence as a kind of lighthearted thing, like I'm good for Fun Times but that my substance is wearing thin. This frustrates me to no end, because I have always tried to be intellectually stimulating in addition to at least being somewhat entertaining. I want to have cosmic scope, and so when people discount my thoughts or emotions I end up feeling completely undermined, like all of my efforts have been a joke.

Also:

I have been listening to Joanna Newsom's new album, "Have One On Me," like crazy. In my opinion, it's a good omen for the year in music -- a solid 10. There's something about her lyrics that induces both passion and introspection. For example, this verse from "On a Good Day" (which is an absolute gem):

Our nature does not change by will.
In the winter, 'round the ruined mill,
The creek is lying flat and still --
It is water, though it's frozen.

Of course, it's indicative of the constancy that underlies all facets of existence, but the thing that comes to mind every time I listen to this series of words is that sort of Whitmanesque acceptance of nature which stems from a more open-minded perspective on "be"-ing. I think Ms. Newsom's music is transcendental, in that it encompasses physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forms of expression -- and she seems to continue to seek the growth, the knowledge, that multiplies with each passing second.

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for the day. I'll probably update next on Tuesday morning, maybe with some pictures.

The end.