Saturday, April 30, 2011

Time to pretend.

I don't even know where to begin. Considering the fact that there's so much to say, I guess it doesn't really matter. (I am freezing my butt off in my bedroom right now -- our entire house is colder than a Russian winter, and that's making it really hard to think.)

I'm gonna be at Dixie another semester. It looks like that's just how it's gonna work out. This health business has been such a monumental downer, motivation-wise. I've kind of just wanted to sleep it off, but there's never really an opportunity to do that sort of thing, so instead I'm taking I's in a few classes, followed by a breezy summer and fall semester.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it, yet. I don't know if I have the right to feel anything about it, because this kind of stuff just happens -- nobody asks for it (I sure as heck didn't), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Which is difficult for me. But, you know. It's the effort that counts, yeah?

Other than that, things are going okay. I'm mostly feeling really... I don't know. Old, I guess. Like I sit around with people my age and I just feel like I'm on a different plane or something? Like I'm watching everything that's going on around me from a distance, like it's on TV, and I can't relate to much of what's happening. I mean, I know what's going on, but it's almost like it doesn't matter. Like this voice in the back of my head is saying, "Hey, now, what're you doing here? Why are you spending your time here? What's it doing for you?"

And I don't really have a legitimate answer. And that makes me feel like a bad human being, because being in college and hanging out with your friends is supposed to be what it's all about when you're 21. And if this isn't working, whose fault is it? And what, if anything, is wrong with the picture?

I kind of feel like I'm on the brink of something, but I can't tell whether it's something awesome or something completely heinous.

I've been trying really hard lately to reach out to people, to engage in more social activity and spend a greater amount of time in groups of people. But (contrary to what everyone told me) it isn't any more enjoyable now than it was previously. It just makes me feel like an alien. And I'm not trying to be a drama queen or anything -- I seriously feel like I don't belong on this planet when I am a part of a bigger group, and I feel like everyone else knows it, too.

But then, where am I supposed to be?