Monday, July 4, 2011

Life

is so good right now. I'm the happiest I've been in years. I feel like the whole world is made of the softest blankets.

"Therefore let no man glory in men. For all things are yours; whether Paul, or Apollos, or Cephas, or the world, or life, or death, or things present, or things to come; all are yours; and ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's."
-- 1 Corinthians 3:21-23

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Tony Awards!

Okay, so I've never been to Broadway. I've never seen a show in New York City, so there is no real reason for me to be emotionally invested in who wins or loses the Tony Awards. (And to be honest, most of the time I watch them in hopes of seeing David Hyde Pierce, because he doesn't do much film or TV anymore.) However, every year, as I tune in to the (FCC delayed) live broadcast, something magical happens.

I want to be an actress again.

I think most of it has to do with seeing Angela Lansbury -- who is endlessly classy and has achieved SO MUCH in her lifetime. It completely blows me away to see her onstage year after year, presenting awards to relatively new actors and actresses with whom she shares something other than a profession -- a love for theatre.

When I watch the Tony's, I think about all of the magical (and sometimes heinous) things I love about being an actress. I think about late hours, complete exhaustion, memorization deadlines, diction and movement and motivation -- and I think to myself, "Why do you try to convince yourself you want to be a philosopher or a musician or a writer? This is what you love to do, as awful as it can be."

And it's true.

And after I think about how lucky I am to have parents who understand and support my career decision and my course of study, I think, "Dang. I really want a Tony."

And I don't just WANT it. I NEED TO HAVE it. I need to receive a Tony Award. I don't know why. It's kind of like needing a Diet Coke -- it's not necessary to life, but somehow you know that if you don't get one, your life will never be satisfactory.

I started looking at grad school applications again today. I'm applying for Yale. I need to get my audition shiz together, and start exercising regularly. Phib and I are starting tennis, so that will be good. It's aerobic and will teach me to bend my knees.

Guys. For as much as I may complain about it, I love what I'm doing. I will never, ever want to do anything else.

(P.S. -- During the broadcast, Alec asked: "Hey, Hannah -- who won Best Tony?" I told him he did.)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Oh, bother.


It's been an interesting couple of days. Mostly I am making friendship bracelets like crazy. Last night I learned how to tie the alphabet, so I've been making astrology bracelets. I did Zoe's very first (she wanted purple and gray), so it'll be a little "Welcome Home!" present for when she gets back from Wisconsin.

Other than fanatical knot tying, I've been thinking about love. Particularly, boys. Particularly, one boy (whose name does not start with S, for your information, which I think means I am making progress). I like This Boy really a lot. But because everyone I am interested in turns out to be gay or emotionally unavailable or completely nuts, I am hesitant to say anything. Also, I'm not exactly looking for a legitimate relationship at this time. I would be totally happy with someone to kiss and take naps with. No more, no less.

(Did you guys ever watch Oswald? "No more, no less!")

Anyway. I guess the Big Problem for This Week is just this weird ambiguous crush friendship situation. I have no idea what to do about it. I'm awful at flirting, and I wouldn't even know what to say or do about anything, and also if I totally messed it up and was terrible I would probably never be able to recover.

The only person I've ever legitimately dated was Robert, and we had just been friends. And then one day he randomly called me and said, "Do you want to go see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tonight? Also, I was thinking you should be my girlfriend." And that was it. There really wasn't a dating period or a discussion or a set of expectations. It just happened.

And then it unhappened, and it was the pits, and then I had a crush on a series of boys who later came out of the closet, and then I had those weird issues with Spencer, and now there's this.

And I'm hopeful, but I don't want to be stupid. Because I know I've got a good personality and I'm very smart and sometimes pretty funny, but I also know that I'm not a supermodel and some boys prefer that, and if that is the case then what am I supposed to do? I can't just be all Down With Love, I can't be like, "Oh, hey, I dropped 80 pounds. Will you please love me now?"

Because that would be really sad.

But anyway, if anyone out there has "oh, by the way, I think you're darling," advice, it'd be greatly appreciated. Relationships are not my forte.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

!!!

Guys.

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom and I went to see Dr. Anwar today, to hear about my blood work and figure out what was goin' on with my body. As it turns out, all of my levels were "as normal as we could expect of anyone, practically ideal" -- the same was true of my oxygen levels, blood pressure, and temperature!

The only thing is that I'm slightly B12 deficient, but that is SO EASY TO FIX!

I am convinced that I've been given a clean bill of health because of prayer, and the blessings that were given to me -- because my white count was FREAKISH!

God is so awesome.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Well, there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that Operation: Classy Husband began today. I spent three hours educating myself RE: classical composers. I discovered the musical stylings of Liszt, Dvorak, and Bartok and, boy, am I glad I did!

I've never really been super into instrumental music. I am a primarily language-based person, so it's natural for me to prefer lyrics. However, I discovered a form that is pretty similar to singer/instrument -- the concerto.

As it turns out, "concerto" isn't just a pretentious way to say "concert." A concerto usually consists of one instrument playing with the accompaniment of an orchestra. The most common concertos are written for piano, violin, or cello -- and, though I love the piano, I prefer the last two. Why, you ask? Because they sound like human voices! There is a certain graininess to string instruments that sounds very similar to the textures found in the voice. For that reason, these compositions are a lot more accessible to me, as a listener who is more accustomed to music that contains singing.

Another of today's successful O: CH-related adventures was a trip to the library with Mom and Zoe, where I got two novels and (more importantly) two philosophical treatises. The first is by Hannah Arendt, and the second is a collection of important questions posed by philosophers throughout history, as well as any answers they were able to come up with.

I'm really quite happy. I can feel my little academic soul trilling with excitement. (In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a super-enormous nerd.)

Now, for the bad news, which is actually pretty trivial.

Item 1: I have mad cabin fever. I need to get out of this house.

Item 2: It is impossible for me to read after sundown because (A) our house is suffering from a severe light-bulb deficiency and (B) the bulbs we do possess are so dim, I'm beginning to wonder if they were designed to light the corridors of haunted houses.

Item 3: Poverty. I'm in it. This month I have to pay my cell phone bill, get my radiator replaced, get a safety inspection (which my poor little car may/may not pass...), and pay to have my car registered. Mom and Dad said they could help me out a little if I would clean out one of the storage rooms in the basement. However, now that I've taken into consideration the fact that (A) I'm much too short to reach the majority of the shelves, (B) it looks like the Room of Requirement in there and (C) I am fundamentally opposed to cleaning up messes that I did not make, I'm not sure if it'd be worth it...

And that's really all for today.

(P.S. -- according to that book, Love Signs, Sufjan Stevens really could be my soul mate [he's a Cancer, I'm a Virgo]. I find this awesome.)

Friday, June 3, 2011

So I've made a decision.

I've been watching tons of reruns of Frasier because (A) I love it and (B) I'm nostalgic, and I've come to a conclusion.

Meet my dream-husband:

Not David Hyde Pierce (because he's gay and I'll never meet him), but Niles Crane. No, I'm not delusional -- I know that he's not real. He's not like my super-geeky Edward Cullen or anything. No, I was watching Frasier and laughing at the highbrow jokes and admiring the adventures of this fictional family, and I had a personal revelation. I want to marry a classy, slightly neurotic man who wears a suit to work and will take me to the opera/ballet/theatre on a regular basis. I want to marry a man who knows the difference between Monet and Manet, who enjoys reading, who has a vast knowledge of both classical literature and mythology. Someone with whom I can converse and banter and be classy.

And because this is the kind of person I want to spend my life with, I've got to do everything in my power to attract these kinds of people. I've made a list of goals for myself which will, I hope, elevate and accentuate my inner Elegant Lady. Some of these goals include:
  • Stop swearing
  • No more t-shirts (except in the case of pajamas)
  • Do my hair and make-up on a daily basis
  • Bi-weekly home manicures and pedicures
  • Widen my knowledge of classical music and pursue my more academic interests
  • Work hard on my grades so I can get into a good graduate program
  • Read, read, read!
  • Work on my posture (yoga, stretches, muscle building)
  • Get into shape!
  • Maintain an air of tranquility
  • Take time for spiritual things
  • Spend a minimum of twenty minutes outdoors daily
Anyway, it seems like a tall order now, but I think it will be ultimately rewarding. I don't necessarily want to be rich -- I want to be culturally aware, and to remain that way throughout my life, and I think this is the direction to head.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

tl;dr

So, my mom bought this book in the 80's that is totally blowing my mind. It's Love Signs by Linda Goodman, and it's about the compatibility of different astrological signs. I don't necessarily believe that astrology can be used for stuff like Predicting the Future, but I do think that when your born has a HUUUUUUUGE impact on your personality.

Anyway.

Today was the first time I've read it since I was like eleven years old, and I decided the first thing to check out would be my astrological profile. (I'm a Virgo.) Well, I was so struck by what I read that I felt super compelled to include it in this post.

First of all, Ms. Goodman writes about the twelve "Initiations of Love" that each individual soul must pass through and come to an understanding of before they can embody the quality of love. Each astrological sign has two initiations -- the first is one that is innate, the second is one that must be learned.

As it turns out, Virgo's active identification is "I analyze" -- meaning that my initial response to any situation is to analyze it. My innate Initiation of Love is "to teach that love is pure," and the initiation that I have to learn is that "love is fulfillment."

So far, this lady (or I guess astrology) is right on the nose. The next section is called "The Virgo Love Mystery," and reads as follows:
"The youthful Leo soul soon senses that summer is ending -- and regretfully steps into his first awareness of the coming harvest, through the Indian Summer soul expression of Virgo. The negative feminine Night Forces return again, reminding the Virgin (whose deeper self has remained untouched by the fleeting romances of youth) that maturity brings stern duty and responsibility. 'I ANALYZE,' says Virgo defensively, striving for perfection.

Now the evolving soul has, for the first time, become an Adult, frustrated by being forced to comply with society's rules and restrictions, yet submitting gracefully, with innate courtesy. These men and women have discovered that to receive their own needs they must serve others in some way. The Virgo vibration teaches that one must work and earn money -- be of service -- in order to be free to play. In this, the second experience in the Earth Element, also the second experience as the Mutable Communicator, clocks and schedules assume great importance. The first job is disappointing. Both ideas and ideals must be shelved under the demands of work or schooling. No time now to dream. The Virgo attention is centered on scholastic excellence, on keeping up with the fierce competition of the business world. Learning and competing are both mandatory -- surviving has become a near obsession.

Like the actual young adults they symbolize, Virgo souls see much to criticize around them, secretly resenting the loss of childhood innocence, having no certain ideas of what lies ahead. Is it only more work, more study and more responsibility? If so, then life is serious indeed and must be faced realistically as soon as possible. It is getting later. Human flaws and imperfections assume exaggerated importance on this Virgo level. For, unless Virgo brings in a fruitful harvest, Life cannot continue for themselves and others. It is the end of summer, the beginning of autumn, and cold winter is just around the corner. Why are all those people still laughing and playing out there? Virgo frets and worries, wondering how to warn the irresponsible that the season of pleasure is drawing to a close. The heart is still pure and filled with silent hope, but the mind is now in control.

Earlier Leo enthusiasms have been replaced by resignation and quiet dreams. Virgo is driven by the fear of dependence into dogged determination not to waste time or shirk duty, the consciousness ever watchful and waiting, yearning to be something better. Although once again ruled by Mercury, the soul has by now learned not to scatter the vital forces as on the Gemini level. Like the symbolic Virgin, Virgo hovers on the edge of awareness, soon to answer the thunderous call of Virgo's true ruler, Vulcan, not yet "discovered" by astronomers, but sufficiently near discovery to have already commenced to faintly beam its pulsing influence to all Virgo-Virgin souls.

Virgo's positive qualities are clarity of thought, discrimination, courtesy, service to others, practicality and self-honesty. Expressed in their negative form they become criticism, crankiness, timidity, pessimism, inferiority and hair-splitting.

...To Virgos, love means surrender of the self, a mystery they prefer not to solve. So they channel its energy into excellence in work... and although these men and women offer gentle devotion, love's true meaning still sleeps within the Virgo heart."

The level of accuracy displayed in these paragraphs is kind of disturbing to me. Well played, Linda Goodman. Well played.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Expletives.

This has been a really bizarre week. I got the chance to go hang out with Grace and Jalee and Bryant on Wednesday, which was a much needed distraction. Thursday I talked on the phone with Spencer. Friday, Grace and I went to the What Women Want expo and got some sexy sunglasses. Also, Grannette came into town for Phoebe's graduation. This last bit has been awesome, except for the fact that I'm on HCG right now and it's SO HARD TO DIET when Grandma is here, because she's obsessed with food. She talks about it 24/7. And I'll be doing really good, not even thinking about anything, and then she says something like, "I was over at so-and-so's bridal shower last week and they had the most amaaaaaazing cheesecake!" Etc, etc.

And then I'm like, "Damn, cheesecake..." Or whatever it is she happens to be talking about. 90% of the time, I'm not even intrigued by desserts or candies or treats of any kind. Right now, for example, a slice of colby jack cheese sounds really good.

In other news, I think my brain is broken. I think I'm so used to being overloaded that I am now incapable of doing one thing at a time. I tried to watch The Nanny with Mom today and I nearly had a nervous breakdown because I was bored. So I tried coloring, just so I had something to do with my hands, and I was still having problems. When I'm in school, I've got homework, scene work (for acting classes), memorization, blocking, work, tests -- and for the most part, these all end up being due at the same time. Right now all I have to do is sleep and eat. I've started going shopping just to be engaged in some kind of activity, and I know that's going to be really bad news for my bank account. I can't afford to attend retail therapy for compulsive multitasking.

It doesn't help that my Mysterious Medical Appointment is looming on the horizon, and we haven't heard a single thing about my lab work from my last visit. Or that I keep praying about what I'm supposed to be doing in this weird limbo interim time, and I don't ever get any answers. I don't even get a stupor of thought.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, and I know He is there for me. I love talking to Him. It would just be nice if He would talk back every once in a while.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Blerg.

Last night, Grace, Jalee and I got together and watched Baghead (Josh was on a laptop, so I'm not sure whether or not he was actually there). It was really fun, slash exactly what I needed. After so much time in the house, on the computer, doing the same boring thing every boring day, it was super awesome to get out and have a social life again.

After the movie was over, we chatted for a while, which was a good outlet for all of us, I think. Life is stressful, and there's nothing better than friendship to alleviate some of the drama.

Today was pretty low-key. I went grocery shopping for Mom, and that was the only legitimate activity in which I participated. I was supposed to sub for Andy tomorrow, but it turns out he doesn't need me anymore, so I think I'm gonna go get a yoga mat and spend some time in meditation. Also, I need to clean my room. :/

Thursday night, I'm going to a midnight movie with Bryant and some others to celebrate his 21st birthday. We're seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean film, so that should be interesting. I wonder how long it will take that franchise to die.

In other news, I really miss Spencer. Unfortunately, everyone in my family is tired of hearing about it, so I just get to write in my journal and focus on the fact that I will probably see him sometime next month. If he isn't too busy.

Tomorrow I start a cycle of HCG (I've already done my two fill days). My ultimate goal is to be fit for URTAs and Irene Ryans at the beginning of next year. When I'm done with this cycle (which includes 6 weeks of maintenance), I'm making a huge dietary change: I'm going to begin a gluten-free, vegan lifestyle. I've thought long and hard about it, and I know that it's the direction I need to head if I want to develop and maintain optimum health.

So, yeah.

That's all.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I AM SO BORED.


I hate summer. I hate it. I would rather fight off the savage grip of a rabid puma than deal with this heinous lack-of-anything-productive.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF IF ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW MUCH TIME I'M WASTING?!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Well, this is it.

Tonight was my last night with Spencer, and it was really hard. Even though it just started out with small-talk and a smoothie, I could feel the panic setting in. I tried really hard to pretend that this was the easiest thing in the world, but even as we shopped for sunglasses at TJ Maxx, my brain continued to deliver blow after blow: "We're not going to go to the Orange Peel together. We're never going to hit discount stores in a quest for trinkets. There will be no goose-stepping up the hallway. We will not sit on the sofa in his grandma's basement watching foreign/historical/indie films. I will not get to help him paint sets."

I helped him pack everything into SubaRupert. Trunks, boxes, clothes, kitchen items -- all of these objects I'd grown so accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. The thought of never seeing his Halloween candy bowls -- which we bought together for a party we hosted -- or his mustache collection or the stack of advanced-looking books he never read... it all broke my heart. I tried to be optimistic, but the stuff I came up with was ridiculous: "Well, one good thing about Logan is that there's less dust."

A very naive part of me kept trying to insist that if I distracted him long enough, he'd have to stay forever. It's amazing, the things you come up with when you really feel like you're in a bind. It's amazing, the kind of shit you're willing to believe.

I managed not to cry until he dropped me off at home, which I am proud of. Although I have to admit that I was hoping not to cry at all, considering how many times I've done it over the past five or six days. But he gave me a hug and we danced in my driveway and he (awkwardly) tried to joke about dog poop in a last-ditch effort to lighten the mood.

I feel kind of bad that the parting image he will have is me, barely able to keep myself together.

"You thought you were my first love. You thought you were my first love, but you're wrong; you were the only one who's come and gone."
- Morrissey, I Know Very Well How I Got My Name


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Today.

Today has been ridiculous. I am really hurt by/frustrated with Spencer. Retail therapy hasn't even made a dent in my depression. (I bought two books The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas, and Training in Christianity by Soren Kierkegaard.) I feel like a huge loser for being in such a down mood. I have been trying like crazy to just be like, "Oh, hey! Tra la la!" but alas, I am not a robot. I have many feelings and they are beyond suppression.


The thing with Spencer is that he doesn't care he's leaving. He's excited, which is okay, but it's almost like he has no comprehension of the fact that I'm grieving our friendship. I'm really sad. I've cried every day for like five days, and he's just... indifferent. Which makes me feel stupid for caring.

Also, I'm frustrated because the majority of this friendship has been me making sure he gets what he wants. I'm a freaking good friend. I will do anything for someone I care about, even if it makes me completely miserable. BUT, the minute I want something (like a goodbye hangout that doesn't involve a million other people), he basically says "Tough shit." Which also makes me feel stupid.

I don't know why it's okay for me to put %110 percent of myself into my friendships, but only get like %30 percent back.

This blows.

In other, less painful news, Mom, Dad and I are seeing Elvis Costello on Friday. Prepping for the concert will be awesome because he wrote a bunch of songs about people being douchebags. So I can listen to his music and have therapy at the same time.



Rageface.jpg

Monday, May 9, 2011

Bummer.

Holy effing crap, I forgot how much I hate this season. Not only is it INCREDIBLY WARM, but there is NOBODY HERE. I stay up all night looking at Memebase and sleep until 1 PM. I am not at all motivated to get dressed, which means I wear my sweats or pj's 24/7 and look like a heinous Person of Wal-Mart-style social pariah. The more I stay indoors, the more I sink into the pit of perilous lethargy that awaits every type-A personality who suddenly discovers that their schedule is empty.

It's really sad if you take more than one shower a day just for something to do.

Mom and Dad are home pretty much all the time now. It's nice to have company, but I'm getting kind of sick of twee television from the UK. There's only so much Monarch of the Glen I can handle. I watched a couple of Law and Order: SVU episodes while Mom napped earlier, but that's been the most productive thing I've done in the past three days.

I've been listening to a ton of Of Montreal in the hopes of getting my spirits up. There's something about ironic/sexual lyrics that makes me feel slightly less bored (is that creepy?).

Ugh. I guess I'm gonna go shave my legs.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Summer!

Yesterday was my last day of work for the semester. I hung out with Brittney and then filled out some forms, and then helped this super-nice kid named Gordon with a paper for his history class. Today I had my last final -- chemistry. It was open notes, so it really wasn't bad. I think I maybe got a B, a B+ if I'm lucky (I'm awful at figuring out charges and balancing equations, etc.). I'm done. My junior year of college is completely over.

So, summer is officially here. And, if the past three years are any indication, next week I will have two days of absolutely ridiculous productivity, and then I will crash into an abominable depression. This will probably be magnified by the fact that Spencer moves to Logan on the 15th.

At the risk of sounding totally unstable, I'm going to have serious separation anxiety. Hell, I'm having it now, and he's here for ten more days.

It kind of hit me today that he's really, actually leaving. Like, he will no longer be here. And I didn't break down or anything, but I was... seriously unsettled. I imagine it's kind of like getting a divorce. I've spent the last four years of my life with this person, on an almost daily basis. We've laughed and cried and screamed and cursed together. We've supported and undermined and tried to outdo each other. And now, to think of going to school without him...

Well, I don't like it. Not one bit.

It's inevitable, of course. My logical mind knows that. But my emotional mind is getting ready to freak the shit out.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Time to pretend.

I don't even know where to begin. Considering the fact that there's so much to say, I guess it doesn't really matter. (I am freezing my butt off in my bedroom right now -- our entire house is colder than a Russian winter, and that's making it really hard to think.)

I'm gonna be at Dixie another semester. It looks like that's just how it's gonna work out. This health business has been such a monumental downer, motivation-wise. I've kind of just wanted to sleep it off, but there's never really an opportunity to do that sort of thing, so instead I'm taking I's in a few classes, followed by a breezy summer and fall semester.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it, yet. I don't know if I have the right to feel anything about it, because this kind of stuff just happens -- nobody asks for it (I sure as heck didn't), so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Which is difficult for me. But, you know. It's the effort that counts, yeah?

Other than that, things are going okay. I'm mostly feeling really... I don't know. Old, I guess. Like I sit around with people my age and I just feel like I'm on a different plane or something? Like I'm watching everything that's going on around me from a distance, like it's on TV, and I can't relate to much of what's happening. I mean, I know what's going on, but it's almost like it doesn't matter. Like this voice in the back of my head is saying, "Hey, now, what're you doing here? Why are you spending your time here? What's it doing for you?"

And I don't really have a legitimate answer. And that makes me feel like a bad human being, because being in college and hanging out with your friends is supposed to be what it's all about when you're 21. And if this isn't working, whose fault is it? And what, if anything, is wrong with the picture?

I kind of feel like I'm on the brink of something, but I can't tell whether it's something awesome or something completely heinous.

I've been trying really hard lately to reach out to people, to engage in more social activity and spend a greater amount of time in groups of people. But (contrary to what everyone told me) it isn't any more enjoyable now than it was previously. It just makes me feel like an alien. And I'm not trying to be a drama queen or anything -- I seriously feel like I don't belong on this planet when I am a part of a bigger group, and I feel like everyone else knows it, too.

But then, where am I supposed to be?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I was gonna try harder...

I was gonna try harder to update more frequently, as there are so many things happening in my life right now that I could (a) throw up or (b) pass out. However, the Busy has interfered with the Blog, so I'ma try to catch everybody (probably just Alexa and Jalee) up.

I started the medical stuff for my mission papers, but things have taken a turn for the mysterious. More on that when I know what's going on.

School is driving me crazy. I am so overwhelmed. Fortunately, all of my professors are gems, and the majority of them have decided that extra credit would be appropriate for all of their classes right now, so I don't even have to humble myself to ask.

I started working at the writing center on campus, and I love it. Only one of my coworkers irritates me, and I feel great about helping people to communicate themselves more effectively. That's definitely a part-time job I could handle in graduate school.

Last night, Bryant, Spencer and I hung out and made delicious cookies. (Karli joined us for a bit, which I was glad about -- I like her a lot, she's super cool.) It was, to be honest, the most fun I've had in weeks, if not months. I had a delightful time, and I think the same could be said by Bryant and Spence.

Grannette, Uncle Van, Aunt Marsha, and Michael (Van and Marsha's youngest son) are in town for the weekend because Michael has a football game tomorrow night. I haven't seen 3/4 of that group in ages, so I'm glad they're here.

Tonight, Mom, Dad, Spencer, Grannette, Van, Michael and I went to see Hanna, which was SUCH AN AMAZING FILM. I am in love with everything about it -- the casting, the soundtrack,the cinematography, the screenplay -- oh my word. If that doesn't get an Oscar nomination of some kind, I will have serious words with the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences, because that film blew my freakin' mind.

Anyway, it's pretty late, and I'm gonna be gallivanting with my grandma tomorrow, so I'm gonna call it a night. :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Long time, no see.


Today Mom had a beauty intervention with me. Apparently I am no longer allowed to look frumpy. This is probably a good thing.


I have started on my mission papers! I only need my medical shiz taken care of, and then I am ready to submit. Way excited.

This weekend, I learned that I'm kind of a loser. I need new friends.

Cody got me a comp ticket for Renfest this Saturday, so I'm super jazzed about that (something to do!). Other than that and the monstrous amount of stress I am trying to deal with RE: All My Life Are Belong To School, everything is pretty blah.

So, blah.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Ulysses S. Grant

This weekend has been so weird. I don't even know where to begin, I'm just like "what? okay..."

Friday night I was terrible at being a college student and sat at home watching Degrassi (Bianca's a slut!) and Portlandia (a+) all by myself, eating sunflower seeds and drinking Diet Coke and basically just being alone. Around ten thirty, Alec came upstairs and we decided we were both really bored so we went on a mysterious drive to Kayenta. And on our way back WE SAW A UFO I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.

It looked like it was made of a million triangles!

Anyway.

Saturday I spent all day making a cake in the shape of Chile for Crystal's going-on-a-mission party. Then I went to said party and it was a good deal of fun. And I kind of texted Spencer but he was being weird and unresponsive so that didn't last too long.

Sunday, I went to church with my parents and got a visiting teaching assignment and made an appointment for my very first I Want to Be a Missionary Now! meeting (next Sunday, holy cow). Then I watched like six hours of The Nanny on TV Land and cried to my mom about being bored. After a while Spencer texted me and asked if I wanted to hold his camera bag while he took Crystal's mission pictures and I said sure and so I went with them out to Warner Valley and we did some improvisational offroading.

After we dropped Crystal off, Spencer and I had a little chat but it didn't get very deep or anything. He's really guarded lately. I guess all I can really do is be there for him when he wants to talk and pray that he's really okay and not just putting on a brave face because "feelings are for pussies."

Today (which still counts as the weekend because it's a holiday), I beat Super Mario Bros for Wii (!!!!! I am a huge nerd !!!!!) and then Mom and Dad and Alec and I drove out to Springdale and got a late lunch at some place called Wildcat Willies (no apostrophe necessary; the inappropriate jokes may commence in three... two... one...). Then Crystal and Alex came over and we watched some clips from Portlandia.

A bit after that, we decided we wanted to have an adventure, so we drove out to Kayenta, hoping we would have a scary experience. Unfortunately, it was only like 8:30, so everybody's lights were still on and it wasn't nearly as terrifying as it was for Alec and me when we went on Friday. So instead we went out onto the Shivwits reservation and started driving towards Mesquite, but then decided to take this weird little offroad that passed THE CREEPIEST OLD FACTORY, and we started sliding in the mud like crazy and the desert is just pretty creepy at night. Also, the gas light came on at this point, so we turned around as fast as we could.

Once we got back onto the main road, Alex decided he wanted to go to the Native American burial ground that's on the reservation... which Crystal and I did not want to do, but Alex was pretty determined. So Crystal turned off onto this road she thought led to the cemetery. However, it was actually a dangerous cliff face, which was super muddy and slippery and treacherous. And the gas light was still on. So we turned around and went home.

(Thank heavens.)

Crystal leaves for the MTC on Wednesday morning, and while I'm gonna miss her, it's making me so excited to get started on my papers! I can't wait to get my call, or to go through the temple! I thought I was gonna freak out in church yesterday, I was so stoked, haha.

Anyway. That's all for now. Tra la la.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Grandpa Mark

I've been doing research for a group discussion that's going to take place in my chemistry class tomorrow. We have to argue for or against pesticide use.

Seeing as how my Grandpa Mark's death from Huntington's disease is believed to have stemmed from his use of pesticides on the farm, I'm going to argue against.

He's been gone just over two years now and I miss him a million much.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Irate.

I get really super irritated when my sisters and their boyfriends feel like they can be the Lords and Ladies of the family room. Especially when it is the only well-lit place in our house and I need to do homework. I also get irritated by the fact that they take their shiz and spread it all over the kitchen table like they own the place.

I don't like getting forced out of my house just because they don't really feel like watching a movie in the basement today.

And I REALLY don't like that they can change their mind about watching a movie in the basement for my Dad (so that he can watch Pawn Stars) but the fact that I want to do my homework is a huge pain in the ass.


In other news, Valentine's Day was mostly shitty. Not because I am single but because I feel like I'm getting kicked out of my family and also Mom and Dad are having tons of drama at their place(s) of employment. Spencer and I went to get Love Tacos at Roberto's for lunch, and then I went to class and then I came home and watched Disappeared and Arrested Development and then Spencer and I went and got Friendship Fro-Yo at Menchie's.

(Sidenote: He is super darling. As we were getting in his car to get our yogurt, he handed me this surprise bouquet of wooden roses. He said, "I know you've been having a pretty lame time of things and that this is really damn corny, but happy Valentine's Day.")

After Menchie's, I went over to his house and we had spicy Mayan hot cocoa that he got at the Getty gift shop (they're having a Mayan exhibit right now) and then I fell asleep on the sofa while he did his color theory homework.

Today wasn't a ton better. I had an emotional crisis and missed my classes. Then this stupid shiz happened with Zoe and Trevor and then I went to Cat on a Hot Tin Roof rehearsal with Mom and Dad (who are both doing really well). Now I am taking a break from nutrition.

Tomorrow, Spencer and I were supposed to go to the ballet but I'm very poor and we both have a crapload of homework so I think we're just gonna have a homework party instead. Also tomorrow I have my senior project meeting which I am not at all excited about.

Bah.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Los Angeles, I'm (not nor will I ever be) yours.

Zoe and I saw a guy masturbating on a subway platform.

I will never live here. Even Portland (which is supposedly Hobo Mecca) is cleaner and more pleasant than Los Angeles. I have seen at least 12 crazy people (including a drunk iguana-man who almost got thrown out of a Mexican restaurant and some guy flailing in the street). I have been stared at and (purportedly) followed by a drunk cafe patron. I have had my butt grabbed by a middle aged guy with a briefcase while I was waiting for the Angel Tram. I have been trapped in the middle of a huge crowd of people which has come to a complete standstill for no apparent reason.

I hate Los Angeles and I will never live here.

In other news, nobody advanced or won anything so the conference turned into a sightseeing/showseeing opportunity. I saw four shows, and here is my (brief) analysis:

Cal Lutheran's The Cherry Orchard:
First of all, I think that Tom Stoppard's translation seriously undermined the character development. The modernization of the language, including use of contractions and expressions which are unique to a more contemporary time period, made it difficult to discern both the subtext and theme of the play. (This, I think, was compounded by the fact that Stoppard's "new version" emphasizes humor rather than plot.) The acting was, for the most part, pretty disappointing. Lopakhin was rather a lot like Groucho Marx, Varya had no levels or energy, Lyubov was dreary, Gaev was slow... I was bummed out. The Cherry Orchard is in my Top 5 Favorite Plays and this was my first time seeing it onstage. I wanted so badly for it to be awesome.

Weber's Under Construction:
First of all, I want to say that I really like Charles Mee. I've read a few of his plays and I appreciate the poetic style he employs. However, I had a really difficult time watching this show. I think it's because there were very few unifying aspects of the production. I think the director and the playwright had very different ideas as to the theme of the script, which caused a sort of weird conceptual conflict throughout the course of the show. I was also kind of disappointed in the actors. They were clearly all very talented, but they lacked passion or energy or any kind of livewire driving force which is so essential for a piece like this. It was kind of like someone telling a joke without caring whether or not anybody laughs.

USU's Do Not Hit Golf Balls Into Mexico:
Holy crap, this show was awesome. It's an original play, which I find so incredible -- it takes so much courage to write anything and then share it with a large group of people -- and the quality of the text was just astounding to me. Granted, it wasn't perfect -- it could probably use one more re-write, just to do some fine tuning -- but it was soulful and informative. The acting was sort of hit and miss -- the leads were great, but the supporting characters could have used some extra work. Overall, a really touching production.

Cal PolyTech's Betrayal:
I went to see this show because I met their stage manager, Theresa, and she invited me to attend. Fortunately, I was not disappointed. I think that this was the most well-acted production I saw at KCACTF. The guy who played Robert, (whose name was Devin [I think]) was absolutely incredible. Oh my gosh, I was in awe of the ease and honesty of his performance. (Also, he was soooooo cute.) I appreciated the fact that they played up the humor of the situation, rather than trying to emphasize the drama and conflict. The presence of comedy really accentuated the theme of the play. I think the only thing I had even the slightest problem with was that they occasionally underplayed their lines, which made it hard to tell when the things they were saying were important or not.

All in all this has been a really incredible opportunity to attend live theatre. I'm glad I had the chance to go.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Rainy face.

A quick update from LA:

Alex and I competed in the 3:00 Irene Ryan round yesterday. I feel like we did our absolute best, which I am very happy about. The respondents only told us to re-configure some of our blocking so that it was more open -- nothing about our acting, which was super nice. They said that we had an "excellent comprehension of the script, language, and time period."

:)

Spencer had his design presentation today and he did SUCH A FABULOUS JOB! He covered all of his bases and also had a beautiful display. I hope he wins something. He totally deserves it.

Last night he and I went to this incredible Italian restaurant called Portofino's. I had gnocchi that was seriously TO DIE FOR and Spencer had some kind of remarkable fettuccine and then we split some tiramisu that made us both cry tears of joy.

Today we discovered a place called LA Cafe that had delicious sandwiches and the biggest pastries I have ever seen in my life. There were croissants as big as my face, I'm not even kidding.

Tonight Spencer and I are going to see Cal Lutheran's production of The Cherry Orchard. We were going to go see a Brecht show U of Hawaii brought, The Judith of Shamoda, but apparently it was painfully boring. (Zoe saw it.)

Tonight at midnight the semi-finals list goes up. Alex doesn't want to rehearse our second scene at all until we know we made it, but that (I think) is a really stupid situation to put ourselves in. Way last minute. Of course, there's nothing I can do about it because all of his free time is taken up by Grace. (I love her. But she has made it nearly impossible for me to work with him. Every time I try to get ahold of him they're out doing something -- she wanted him to stay up late with her the night before our first round; I had to tell him that if he wasn't getting ready for bed by 10 PM we were going to have a problem.)

Right now they're on their way to Spring Awakening at the Pantages Theatre. I hope my dad still wants to work with us at midnight... :S

Anyway, I'm gonna have a quick nap before I meet up with Spencer. Hopefully I can enjoy my favorite Chekhov play, get some delicious Indian food, and then find out I'm moving onto semi-finals?

Hopefully. :)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

So according to my parents...

... I can't be successful AND overweight.

Me: Mom, Dad wants me to wear a bodyshaper for my Irene Ryan rounds.

Mom: Okay.

Me: I said no because that's misrepresentation. That's not what I look like.

Mom: I don't think that's true. I mean, those things don't make you skinny. They just smooth you out.

Me: I lost like a whole pant size when I wore that one for Blithe. And that's not what I look like. And if I get past preliminary rounds, I want it to be because I'm talented, not because I'm ... smooth.

Mom: Honey, don't shoot yourself in the foot. You have a pride issue.





Uh, WHAT?

For the record, I do not have a pride issue, I have an honesty issue. As in, I believe honesty is a good thing. And it would be dishonest of me to WEAR A MOTHEREFFING BODYSHAPER into a SCHOLARSHIP AUDITION.

I would not wear a wig into an audition. I would not load up my face with makeup. I would not wear a FLIPPER like they do in mothereffing BEAUTY PAGEANTS because that's NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

How is a bodyshaper different than those things?

Who cares if I'm overweight? I'm a good actress -- they nominated me the way I am. Why shouldn't I compete that way?

Mothereff.

Shitty shit shit.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Balls.

Today was not the most enjoyable of days. When I get tired I get super emotional/vice versa and I guess all of that hit the fan today so my evening was spent alternating between tears and sleeps.

Sometimes I wish I was bad at school so that I was known as Someone Who's Fun to Hang Out With rather than Someone Who Is Useful.

Knowing what's up is sometimes a pain in the ass.

Anyway, to therapeuticize myself (consider that phrase coined), I listened to the Pavement LP I bought in Portland at top volume and hugged my Mystical Unicorn PillowPet(tm). And then I watched Conan and chatted with Mom and ate a midnight sandwich and now it looks like I am heading to bed.

I have a chemistry test in the morning. Sunday I have to take an NFS test and a math test.

Mom wants me to pray about when I'm supposed to leave on my mission, because she thinks it's supposed to be sooner, but I don't know. I haven't even started my papers yet or anything, so we'll see how that goes.

Ho hum.

Grizzly Bear and goodnight.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Fork in a mug.

So, I'm out of History 3740 and into... Directing II! (Don't ask, long story.) It looks like my project for this semester will be directing Sam Shepard's Fool for Love, which is super gritty and depressing and kind of effed up. Also, the language is kind of crass.

I'm hoping that I can find an actress here who will be willing to say "pussy" because I am morally opposed to censorship.

Also, Alex and I have been working on our scenes for KCACTF and they're going SUPER WELL! I'm so glad they let me have him as a scene partner again! I love working with him because he's super trustworthy and also incredibly talented. (In case you can't tell, I'm definitely on Team Gubler.)

I think we have a pretty good chance of at least making it to secondary rounds. Our first scene is already so freakin' kick-ace, I can't even take it. I'm like near tears every time we run it.

In other news, I think things are okay with Spencer. (I guess Grandma Judy chewed him out on my behalf and that makes me feel nice. Thanks, Judy.) There has been some communication drama over Anything Goes already and, I have to say, I'm kinda glad that I wasn't cast. I have a feeling that the technical/logistical aspect of this show could get ugly real fast, and if that should happen I'd like to know as little about it as possible.

I have my third private acting lesson tomorrow, and also I'm rehearsing with Alex, and then I have a math review and then I think Spencer and I are going to see The King's Speech. Which I am very excited about!

Anyway, that's all for now. Huzzah.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Home.

Well, Crystal and I managed to get on our train, and made it back to Eugene around 1:00 AM. Ellen was kind enough to pick us up from the station and let us sleep in her darling little house. She drove us to the airport this morning on her way to school. (As Blanche DuBois says, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.")

The flight home was fine, and because nobody was able to pick us up from the airport we caught a shuttle back into town. I got home a little over an hour ago. So far Mom and Dad are the only ones who've been excited to see me, but that's okay. They're my BFFs anyway.

Over the course of this weekend I have managed to write nothing about Spencer. Mostly because I've been having a ton of fun, but also because we've hardly talked. I am having a lot of thoughts about this right now but they're not really for the internet so unless you are (A) a spy or (B) one of my unborn children, that story is For British Eyes Only. (Meaning: for me.)

I've been thinking a lot about starting to write my memoirs. Like, as a sort of potential book thing? I don't know that anybody would want to read anything I have to say but I guess if Chelsea Handler/Russell Brand/George W. Bush can do it, I can too. Right? I know I'm less scary than all three of those people. I mean, I've never been an alcoholic or sexually abused or the president of the United States, but I'm at least somewhat interesting.

Anway, I'm meeting up with Alex after he gets out of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof rehearsal so that we can (finally) block our scenes for KCACTF. It's not like we leave a week from tomorrow or anything. No pressure.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Holy crap, Portland.

Day 2 consisted of a trip into town with Brycen and Andru. We ate lunch at Little Big Burger, and then they took us to Powell's (mothereffing) City of Books. I cried a million tears of joy. I also picked up a copy of T.S. Eliot's The Sacred Wood (which I haven't been able to find anywhere!) and then the latest edition of a short story anthology that is put out every year (also unavailable in St. George).

Then Crystal and I met up with Aaron at Voodoo Doughnuts (where I got a maple blazer blunt) and he gave us a tour of the downtown area. We stopped at Jackpot records and I picked up a Pavement album on vinyl after tirelessly searching for the only Sufjan Stevens album I don't own, Michigan.

(At this point I think it's important to mention the fact that I really feel like I fit in in Portland. It's weird. In St. George, I feel like I'm at someone else's house. Like I got invited to a party by the friend of a friend of a friend, and I showed up only to discover that it's a frat party or something and everybody listens to Kanye West and watches Skins.

Here, I kind of feel like I'm at a friend's house, or in a neighborhood I've lived in forever. I feel like I could approach anyone on the street and start a conversation with them because we would have at least one thing in common, re: music/books/movies/art/beliefs. It's really weird. I don't know how to describe it beyond that.)

Anyway, we managed to get into the Interpol show alright. The band that opened was called School of Seven Bells or something, and they were really good. The lead singer kind of looked Audrey Hepburn and sounded like Natasha Kahn. (We watched some of their music videos later and they are much better live. They need to fire whoever mixed their album.) Interpol was really good. I'd never listed to them before so I spent most of the concert taking it all in/avoiding the blinding glare of strobe lights. Also my feet hurt so I didn't feel like jiving around.

We went back to Brycen's after the show and watched some music videos and then went to bed.

Today Brycen and Andru dropped us off downtown and we went and got some breakfast at this place called Sugar Mama's Cafe (which was totally adorable, and the waitress was the nicest person ever). It was delicious, but shortly thereafter I got sick and puked in the ladies' room at Nordstrom. After that incident, we took the light rail across the river, trying to meet up with Aaron near Hawthorne. We ended up going way too far east, and got off the train to try to catch some wifi and figure out where we were. It was at this point, seated outside the Oregon Clinic (which is not open on Sundays, so don't get injured on the sabbath), we encountered a really intense hobo.

He asked Crystal and I if we were lesbians and seemed really disappointed when we said no. He kept asking Crystal how to connect to an internet network, and then told me that if I ever had a boyfriend I should tell him I was a virgin even if I wasn't. Which was mightily uncomfortable.

We finally ended up finding Aaron, and got some treats at a vegan cafe called Sweet Pea, which was super cute. (Also, vegan food is pretty tasty). Then we wandered around and went shopping. I picked up a couple of mandala coloring books at Powell's Home and Garden, and then we stopped for an early dinner situation at the Oasis Cafe, which has DELICIOUS pizza.

At this time, Bekki and her brother, Jeremiah, met up with us, which I was so so so happy about. I haven't seen Bekki in years and she's always been someone who was able to cheer me up, no matter the situation. I filled her in on everything that's been going on at Dixie (including Mom's situation) and she chatted with Crystal, Aaron, and I until it was time to go.

We went back to Aaron's, where we had dropped our stuff off, and then he walked us to a bus stop that would take us back downtown. It was really sweet of him -- he even waited with us. I have to say I'm gonna miss him.

Right now we're at Union Station waiting for our train (which was apparently detained after hitting a person?). Mom and Dad ended up having to buy my ticket back to Eugene because the douchebags at BioLife stole my plasma. My card, which was supposed to have $40 US dollars on it, was empty. I talked to Amal at card services and he ethnically informed me that there was nothing he could do and I had a mini-meltdown, but it turns out that Varlord and Andrea were able to save the day for like the millionth time in my life. I love them. They are the nicest.

Anyway, we're just sitting here. Crystal's writing in her journal and we're both getting super annoyed at this bass-range-voice Asian chicks who are sitting behind us and talking at an unnecessarily high volume. Curse them.

I'm excited to be home. Scared, because of the whole homework situation, but excited. This has been such a fun trip and I've felt so loved the whole time I've been here. Crystal is an incredible friend and I'm glad she talked me into doing this.

The end.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Oregon!

So, I am in love. I am in love with Oregon. I am in love with Portland. I am in love with all of the trees and magic and wonderment that we have seen today.

We almost missed our flight this morning, for a variety of reasons (lateness, no gas, getting pulled over) and we only just barely made it in time! Fortunately, because we were the last people to board the plane we got to sit in the very front so we had tons of leg space.

Ellen picked us up from the airport and drove us to the bus station, and then we took the bus from Eugene to Portland.

We met up with Aaron at a place called Stumptown Coffee and we chatted for a super long time. (Crystal got bored and went and got oysters while he and I caught up re: high school). Then Aaron, Crystal and I met up with Brycen and we went to dinner at a Cajun restaurant called Montage, which was delicious. (Sidenote: we met the craziest old drunk toothless guy who gave us priceless pearls of wisdom. Examples: "Do you know what's the best thing about being good? Being great. Do you know what life's all about? Being respectful to yourself. Why beat yourself up when someone else will do it for you?!") Anyway at the restaurant they made our leftovers into tin foil animals! (Crystal got a squirrel, I got a snail).

Right now we're hangin' out at Brycen's, because that is where we are staying. Tomorrow Aaron is going to show us around his neighborhood area (Hawthorne) and we're gonna do some shopping and then hit up the Interpol situation.

Anyway, it's time for bed. This has been the longest day in the world!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

can't start a fire without a spark

Forget this shiz. I'm not gonna worry about it, because:

I'm spending this weekend in Indie Mecca with Crystal.

I'm gonna see two of my favorite people from high school.

Alex and I are gonna kick butt at KCACTF.

I have friends that don't expect me to be a robot.

I don't even really know what's going on.

I have "Thunder Road" on repeat and it's taking away most of my pissy feelings (thanks, Mr. Springsteen).

I'm capable of loving people without wanting anything back.



So, there.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You know what? Never mind.

Somehow this turned into a somewhat bitchy/emo blog. And I just want the two people who read this to know that that's not what my goal was at the outset of starting this thing. Originally, my plan was to talk about my life and maybe give some unique little insights and be cheery and helpful and hopeful and full of all kinds of optimistic light. Every once in a while I manage to get back to that. But today is not going to be one of those days.

Today was a day of hopes/dreams/wishes/wants, but not in a Disney Princess "someday-my-prince-will-come" fashion. It was more like a series of stream of conscious revelations that, for whatever reason, seem important enough to write about.

Things I Learned About My World Today:

1. I'm really jealous of nuns. I bet being married to God and/or Jesus is awesome, because basically everything either of them ever said has to do with their capacity to love every individual human being that will ever live, no matter what. Compared with my situation (wanting to be married to someone who loves a lot of people but will never love me), I can definitely see the appeal of nunliness.

2. I have been lying to myself for several months, if not over a year. And I think that's why I'm so desperate to have a romantic experience with someone. In my head, once I've had a legitimate relationship, these magical scissors will come down from the sky and cut every psychological and emotional tie that holds me to... well... would it sound melodramatic to say something like "the anchor that is an impossible dream?"

Because that's what it is.

3. I really dislike the kind of people that are attracted to musical theatre. Especially when they also happen to be the kind of people that are attracted to themselves.

4. Apparently, information displayed on Facebook has the ability to obliterate my heart and shoot all my veins out of my body like confetti. Thanks a ton, Zuckerberg. I hope when you die, all the unhappiness propagated by your pet project is visited upon your curly head.

--- --- --- --- ---

In other news, I am currently working my very last shift at the Lexington Hotel. If there were peasants here, I'm pretty sure they'd be shouting "huzzah!" in the background.

Crystal and I will be in Portland so very soon. I'm starting to get kind of nervous, mostly because there are things that we haven't done yet that we probably should (example: booking our bus from Eugene to Portland, and/or figuring out how we're getting from the Eugene airport to the bus station). But yeah. Portland.

Today I talked to Charlee (a girl I've worked with) about the whole mission thing. I guess she got her call not too long ago and will be headed off for the MTC in April. We didn't talk long, but she really has a ton of enthusiasm for the gospel and for missionary work in general and that made me excited again. Most people I tell, they're like, "Oh..." like they need to apologize to me for the fact that I'm not engaged or something. Whatever. I know what's up and that's all that matters.

Um. I guess that's all.

Spencer.

But seriously, I love him so effing much.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

...

I have so much to say, but there's no real way for me to say it. Like the English language doesn't have enough words...

Spencer's Grandpa Mack passed away today. I haven't seen Spencer since Sunday. The only way I know how to comfort someone requires physical presence, like, I wish I could just hug him for a million years because I know how hard this is, but I don't know when I'll see him next and I feel horrible because the funeral is on Saturday but Crystal and I will be in Portland.

I love Spencer so, so, so much and all I ever want is to be there to support him in his time of hardship or his time of success and the fact that there are constraints on my ability to do that -- whether they're interpersonal or chronological or geographical -- just kills me.

---

In other news, Mom came home from rehearsal tonight with a big card from Mike. I haven't read it yet because I left for work just as she was getting home. Is it stupid to say it makes me kind of anxious?

---

Crystal and I leave for Portland on Friday. I think a weekend away will be good for me.

---

Alex and I are totally memorized with our Irene Ryan scenes (Krogstad and Mrs. Linde from A Doll's House, Kip and Cass from Wonder of the World). I need to go over my monologue (The Beaux' Stratagem) but other than that we're in awesome shape.

---

Tomorrow looks like this:

7 AM: Get off of work, go home, shower.
8 AM: Hopefully be out the door.
8:30 AM: Workin' in the scene shop.
11 AM: Welding a box with Brent Innes.
12 PM: Chemistry.
1 PM: Nutrition.
2 PM: Workin' in the scene shop.
5? 6? PM: Anything Goes vocal auditions
Whenever those are done: Workin' in the scene shop.
8 PM: Pre-work nap.
11 PM: Last night of work/working lines with Alex in secret.

As you can see, my cup runneth over.

---

I think an additional benefit of plasma donation is that, while pumping my fist, I may be developing some of the muscles in my arm.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Prayers

I hate it when people I love go through rough times. I hate it even more than when I go through rough times because I don't have to watch myself.

Also, most of the time I can solve my own problems. But this... well, I don't have the authority to do anything but pray.
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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Taffeta.

Well, tonight marks the halfway point of my two-weeks notice. I'm glad it's going to be over soon. It was a really good job, but now that I'm so busy all of the time there's no chance I could carry on this way. I already missed a couple of classes due to oversleeping my post-work nap. I need good grades.

Speaking of good grades, I may not be graduating this semester after all. Which is a problem. But we'll cross that bridge when it becomes a bridge of reality rather than a bridge of supposition.

I had my first private acting lesson with Michael today, and let me just say, HOLY CRAP. I think it was the most educational 45 minutes of my young adult life. I'm so glad I decided to do this, I'm going to grow so much -- I'm making a personal Rule of Steel that I will just do whatever he tells me to do without thinking and without asking questions. I'm going to jump.

Anyway, today is the first day of UTA and I sort of house-managed All Shook Up, which Phoebe is starring in. I watched the first act from the back of the theatre and ohmygosh, when she started to sing, I cried like a baby. My sisters (and brothers, too, for that matter) are such beautiful, talented, humble people. I couldn't have been more proud than I was tonight.


(That's my baby right thurr.)

Spencer and I got all registered at BioLife and now we are official plasma donors/prostitutes. We're saving money for KCA, and our second appointment is shortly after my shift gets over. Also, today I bought this camera:

It's a Holga 135BC (the BC stands for "black corners" because it vignettes pictures). It is not digital -- it takes 35mm film and also does not require batteries, which means it relies purely on the powers of science. I'm going to take it with me to KCACTF and get some artistic theatre people pictures going. Ultimately, I'd like to learn how to process film and maybe even have a darkroom in my house someday, but right now I'm just excited about taking dreamy, tangible photographs.

I have a math test in the midst of tomorrow's UTA madness, so I'm gonna go study now. Tra la la.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Combos + Diet Coke

Tonight I am working on memorizing A - C in the periodic table of the elements (complete with symbols). So far, I've used the symbols to create three pretty snazzy mnemonic devices:

A's - Cute Girls Lose Many Red Shorts Through Usurpation
(Ac, Ag, Al, Am, Ar, As, At, Au)

B's - Brad Always Eats His Icees Killer-Rapidly
(B, Ba, Be, Bh, Bi, Bk, Br)

C's - Carefully Avoid Deviled Eggs Furnished Lovingly; Moreover, Negate Omelets Royally Served Up
(C, Ca, Cd, Ce, Cf, Cl, Cm, Cn, Co, Cr, Cs, Cu)

Clearly, I am already a master of chemistry.

Over the past couple of days, I have been dealing with some Things, and unfortunately they're not exactly of the "pleasant" variety. The first is the issue of Mike, with whom I cannot bring myself to discuss our... uh... impasse? Mostly because I hate talking about my feelings (I always cry). But also because I don't know how to begin to describe my perspective of our friendship.

Also because, every once in a while, his mom texts me to tell me that I need to be his friend. His mom is a sweetheart. But I'm kind of like, "Uh, okay, you have one side of the story and it isn't mine." And also, "I'm taking 20 credits this semester so I don't really have the time to try and deal with this right now." And also, "I'm prepping for a mission and can't afford to be emotionally/spiritually drained all the time."

Visual metaphor:

(Figure 1: Note the finite amount of water in bucket H and compare to bucket M's difficulty retaining liquid.)

How am I supposed to solve this problem? I can't.
How am I supposed to put an end to this problem? Heaven only knows.

Initially, Spencer recommended writing a letter, because I'm much better at expressing myself through the written word. But now that his mom has texted me I feel as though I need some kind of professional advice. Too bad I don't have a therapist on call. It would make my life so much easier.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Rhetorical Content

Where is the line between self-defense and direct offense?

This is a question that gets asked all the time in America, whether it be in our judicial system, the media, or some of the more challenging aspects of daily life. The general rule of thumb is that it's justifiable to harm someone else to prevent them from harming you. But there are all kinds of potential variations. For example, is it right to harm someone else if you think they might attack you in the future? As a sort of preemptive strike? What about if they're attempting to hurt you financially? Or if they're trying to ruin your good name?

What if their actions are a threat to your mental and emotional stability?

When is fighting back, taking action, cutting ties, transferred from the realm of responsible self-protection to that of retaliation or vigilantism? Is the definitive meaning of an act dictated by its circumstances or its intent?

Is it wrong or right to feel guilty when you have successfully dodged danger through action, rather than evasion?

When are you legitimately threatened? When you feel it? Or is there criteria, a rubric by which you can measure your life's current level of safety?

Is hindsight 20/20 at all times? If so, shouldn't we be working to cultivate foresight? If so, when does conditioned paranoia set in?
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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Life! Y U no chill the **** out?!

Internet, I'm gonna tell you some shiz about my life. It will probably be information that gets swallowed by the endless abyss of oversharing that exists in your front yard. But right now you're the only one who is awake so you're gonna have to deal.

Firstly, I'm super tired of trying to make everyone else happy, whether by planning or accommodating or altering or communicating or substituting or prioritizing or committing to something I cannot afford emotionally/financially/chronologically/psychologically. It's only January 13th and I've broken my most important resolution like seventeen times.

Secondly, my new schedule is totally jam packed. I am maxed out on credits, I have class from 9 AM to 7 PM. This leaves me virtually no time to sleep before work, especially considering the fact that I'm doing Trojan Women.

Thirdly, all of my homework is on Blackboard, and the internet is out at this mothereffing hotel.

Fourthly, Alex (my Irene Ryan partner) has the plague.

Fifthly, Mike keeps texting me and it's giving me crazy anxiety.

Sixthly, I have a huge bug bite tumor thing on my face that KILLS.

Seventhly, I'm SO TIRED OF PEOPLE WHINING ABOUT STUFF THEY CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND.

Eighthly, I wish I got to see my parents more.

Ninthly, I am completely exhausted.

Where's an inspirational power ballad when you need one?
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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

First day(s) of school.

Because I am a nerd and this is my blog, I'm going to give you my first impressions of my professors/classes.

CHEMISTRY 1010

Instructor: Professor Black is super quirky, and in all of the right ways. She kind of reminds me of Gretchen from that cartoon show Recess, only a lot more fun.

Course: This will be a breeze. There is no required textbook, everything is online. Also, I've got Karli (Spencer's cousin) and Brandon in there with me, so there would be no need to make new friends for a study group.


SCI. FOUNDATIONS OF NUTRITION

Instructor: Professor Johnson is a hoot and a half! (Upon learning I was "Varlo's daughter," she excitedly informed me that she had a TON of embarrassing stories about my dad.) She's fun and exuberant and is going to be really easy to learn from.

Course: I feel so much better about taking a nutrition class from someone who looks normal, and not like my freakishly beautiful cousin, Melanie (who is a fitness guru/nutritionist/hardcore worker-outer). I'm already fat. I don't need to pay money for a reminder. :)


PROFESSIONAL ASPECTS OF THEATRE

Instructor: I freaking LOVE Hanna Rahilly. She is so supportive and so incredibly excited by even the smallest possibility of a student's success. Also, she's dang funny.

Course: This is perfect information for those of us who seriously want to accomplish our dreams in the theatre. It's impossible to get to-the-point information about graduate programs, audition opportunities, agents, etc. I can't wait to learn about "L.A. as a metaphor for... other places."


EMERGENCE OF MODERN AMERICA

Instructor: Dr. Lewis is too awesome for any kind of legitimate description. His specialty is the study of the politics of both the far-left and the far-right. He's super polite. He has a six-inch-long beard. And a ponytail.

Course: Not only will this class cover some of my favorite historical periods (Gilded Age - WWII), it's discussion-oriented and the written assignments require a fair amount of interactivity. Also, it's the only class I've had where a beverage cart has been provided. FTW.


MISSION PREP

Instructor: Brother Ellsworth has a super-incredible positive energy that just radiates for feet -- it's like a forcefield of light or something. He does not get my sense of humor, but that's okay because I know God does.

Course: All we did today was talk about the format of the class, but I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be. I'm scared out of my mind. I could pee, I'm so excited. But I'm doing the right thing for me/others, and that makes me the happiest.


FASHION SEWING

Instructor: Wow. Mrs. Seegmiller is kind of like if Shelley Long, a Relief Society president, the world's biggest cupcake, and someone's well-meaning great-grandmother combined into one person.

Course: Given my previous sewing experience, I'd say this class (which is for beginners) won't be a problem. If anything, I'll get done sooner and end up having to fill a lot of time. Allyson, Melissa, and Alex are in the class, too, and we all feel like we don't fit in. So... yeah. It'll be interesting.


MATH 1010

Instructor: Mr. McConnell (A) looks like a bald, facial-hair-free Spencer -- like maybe his long-lost twin -- and (B) is no-nonsense. I like him, already.

Course: I love the fact that our homework is graded on completion and not accuracy. I love the fact that we can bring graphing calculators with us to the (multiple choice) tests having previously programmed ALL OF OUR NOTES into the thing. I love the fact that Mr. McConnell explains everything step-by-step. But most of all, I love the fact that I'm probably going to pass this class with a B+, at the least.


I have not yet had my first private acting lesson, but I'm SO EXCITED to start. I think Michael and I are going to get a lot of good work done, and have a bunch of fun in the process.

Also: I love school.

Also also: Really. I effing love school.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Women want men of action.

Well, today was my first day at Grannette's house, and it was so much fun! She let me sleep in, then while she took care of some things at the office I watched "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" and ate some almonds.

Around three I went over to Kim's house and she cut my hair. (It's really short, but I like it!) Then Grandma and I went to Logan and got dinner and some groceries, and we have been watching Lifetime since about 7:30.

I love her. :)

I think we're going into Ogden to go shopping on Saturday, which should be a good deal of fun. I head home Sunday, so I've gotta go try to pick up some CDs or an audiovox for the drive.

In other news, Crystal and I are for sure going to Portland! I'm way excited!
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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Herp derp.

Let me begin this post by saying: holy crap, I'm tired.

This break has been nice, but I'm pretty ready for it to be over. Sometimes I think dealing with people you're related to is more difficult than dealing with people who grade you.

Today, Zoe, Mom, Kristina, Grannette, and Marcus (my four-year-old cousin) and I all went to lunch. It was super fun -- Marcus is such a doll, and I love the fact that he's willing to talk to anybody about anything. After lunch, Marcus and Grandma came with Zoe, Mom and me to run some errands, one of which was stopping by Barnes and Noble so Mom could get a journal. I ended up getting a book of illustrations of seashells which is mostly written in French.

(Minor tangent: Looking at that book today, I realized that I like to collect collections. Collections of images, collections of books [like, books in a series], collections of colors. Most people stick to a specific category, like stamps or autographs or coins. Apparently, my need to gather transcends category.)

When I got home, I was dead tired, having only slept about four hours. The minute I sat down, I passed out. However, sleep only lasted a few minutes. All of a sudden, I was jerked awake by this sort of panic. The only way I can describe it is: like a cat jumps onto your stomach unexpectedly. I fell asleep again, but it happened a second time, so I calmed myself with seashell pictures. Mom was really worried this panic was stemming from that book I'm reading, House of Leaves, because it's kind of creepy and also because many of the characters in the book start to develop either night terrors or an inability to sleep. I don't think that's what it is, but I would like to know what's going on.

Earlier in the day Marcus had invited me over to play Mario Kart, so at 8 PM I headed over to Bryan and Kristina's. We raced for an entire hour -- it was a blast! I'm not used to having kids want to hang out with me. I'm not exactly the most childlike (see: "fun") Davenport. But Marcus and I now have a standing appointment for Wednesday nights, where we will race or play tennis or go to the park. I can't wait for that to get started.

Right now I am at work. At the beginning of my shift I was informed that we had no running water (thanks, City of St. George! your winter planning is incredible!). Furthermore, I have been called by about a bajillion Jehovah's Witnesses looking to book rooms for their Once-in-a-Blue-Moon conference situation. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't each have a MILLION questions about the hotel. ("What is served in your continental breakfast? What is the thread count in the sheets? Who manufactured the carpet in the lobby?")

Tomorrow I leave for Newton with Grannette, and I don't come home until Sunday, and I am SO EXCITED TO GET A REAL VACATION! One where I am not sick and don't have to work and can just relax before school gets started.

In other news: Alec has convinced me to start a blog for my doodle-artwork-stuff. I don't know when it will be operational, but you can count on a link once it is.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Daft Punk is playing at my house.

2010 was a pretty crappy year -- containing, as it did, two family deaths, 7 months of a parasitic relationship, three solid months of illness, a complete loss-of-self, weight gain, mediocre grades, self-doubt, and jealousy.

2011, however, is the year of Hannah.

I feel like I've finally got my bearings again. I'm gonna kick butt and take names. I'm going to take crazy good care of myself (because I deserve it!) and get A's in all of my classes and prepare for my mission and exercise and quit eating wheat products and sing and write and maybe even go on a date.

And Alex and I are going to dominate at KCA!

Anyway, I think that's all the enthusiasm this post needs, so I will continue by saying "I miss Spencer like CRAZY." It's really freaky to go from being one half of a duo to just being myself. It makes me hope I never have to get divorced.

Also, I think Crystal and I will be heading to Portland at the end of the month. Huzzah!
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