Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 17: Oh, heavens.

Life is going well. I've started cleaning/redecorating my bedroom because right now, other than the heinous mess, it doesn't look like it belongs to anyone. I went to Dollar Tree and got like a million document frames for all my certificates, and I hope to be hanging those this afternoon. Also, once my floor is visible, I'm going to start re-alphabetizing my bookshelf. This morning, Crystal Reed and I went to pull props for Comedy Storm, and we managed to find almost everything so it's been a largely productive day so far.

Last night, after rehearsal and watching Medium, I hung out with Spencer. We had a good time -- ate at Wing Nutz, got some ice cream, watched What the Bleep Do We Know? -- but there was also the intrusion of a small emotional tussle. I won't get into the nature of it, but I will say that I get frustrated with him sometimes because I get the vibe that he feels completely inconvenienced by my friendship. Like my wanting to spend time with him is this huge burden he can't handle. And I'm kind of like, "Okay, well, sorry I care about you, I guess. Sorry I find your company enjoyable. Maybe I'll try and knock myself into a coma so that I'm not lonely and you don't have to put up with me."

...Which is waaaaay melodramatic, hahahaha, but that's honestly the point I get to sometimes. I don't know, I'm not super upset or anything. (I was last night, it took about twenty minutes for me to put my feelings away.) I guess I just get frustrated because all I really want in life is to be able to love people, and it seems like every other second I have someone trying to tell me that they're not worth it or not interested or blah blah blah. And nobody gets that I don't care about any of that, I don't care about anyone being able to love me back. Just as long as I get to give something, I'm happy!

Sigh sigh sigh.

But anyway, other than that incident, I'm feeling incredibly progressive and enthusiastic about existence. My tendon is feeling a lot better, I'm completely over that dreadful cold, and I'm starting a new exercise regimen on Monday. Also, I'm giving up Diet Coke... after the Lost series finale. :)

In totally trivial news: Deer Tick's new album is awesome. I bought a do-it-yourself autobiography called Listography: Your Life in Lists which has been a TON of fun. The same author has one about music that I want to get the next time I get paid. Also, a recent self-discovery: I want to be Emmylou Harris when I grow up.

The end.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 16: Should I, after tea and cakes and ices...

Haven't updated in a while, mostly due to Summer Sadness (a condition I develop as the social and academic activites in my life die down and I am forced to fend for myself, as far as the occupation of time goes). I've only gotten dressed like three times since school got out, the rest of my time has been spent in pajamas and it's made me feel like a big, lazy goon.

Fortunately, we've started rehearsal for Exit the Body now. Granted, I have never stage managed before and I am incredibly nervous about getting all of this business sorted out, but I'm so grateful to have at least three hours of my day occupied by SOMETHING. Not to mention Michelle, Mike, Kristina and Alex were all cast in this show so I'll get some kind of socialization on a regular basis. Hopefully this show keeps me sane until my two (only two...) summer classes start.

Unfortunately, there is one cast member who I am not looking forward to dealing with. I will not name names, but this particular person is someone who grates on my nerves like ONE THOUSAND PERCENT. I am praying for patience in dealing with this person. Without it, I may punch them square in the nose.

In other news, today Dad and I kind of had a weird debate/fight/argument/tense discussion about my impending graduation from good ol' DSC. It's very likely that I'll be graduating at the end of next spring semester, since I was a nerd and took a total of 36 credits my freshman year. I can make my degree take the full four years, but it's kind of a situation where I have to choose between (A) being overwhelmed for one more year or (B) being underwhelmed for another two. I'm sure that anyone who knows me can guess that I'm leaning towards option A.

Anyway, Dad thinks I should take my time. Which is reasonable, as it would give me more time to study for the GRE and I wouldn't have to take 18 credits this upcoming semester. But for some reason I just don't feel like it's a good idea... even though I have no idea where I want to go to grad school and am as poor as a church mouse. I dunno. Throughout the whole little chat, I got the impression that he was only concerned with logistics -- like my terrible math skills and complete lack of away-from-home experience -- rather than taking my thoughts or feelings into consideration.

I know I'm pretty unprepared for grad school, but I just have this feeling that I need to go, and soon. I don't even know where I'll end up, but there's something pulling me into the future -- something that's waiting for me -- and I want to get to it before someone else does, especially if it's meant for me. I want to operate on a spiritual timeline, not the Standard Academic one.

Sigh. The future is scary business.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been having terrible anticipatory nightmares. In one, I was aware of the fact that my grandmother (dream-grandma, not based on either real grandmas) was preparing to murder me while I did housework for her. The murder never took place. The entire dream was me, doing chores, knowing I was about to die. In another, I had stolen a car and was being followed by the police, waiting for their lights to start flashing, knowing I was about to be arrested. There are a couple more -- one where I am anticipating being told that I have failed out of school, one where I am anticipating being date raped. I don't know where this stuff is coming from, but other than the fact that nothing actually happens, the one thing these dreams all have in common is my unwillingness/inability to (get out of/recall how I got into) these situations. I'm kind of freaked out. It's made me really nervous before I go to bed.

So... yeah. I guess that's all I really have to say about that. I just thought it was intriguing.