Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 11: A Bit Mope-y

After a thorough analysis of the past couple of years of my life, I've come to a rather startling conclusion: I was cursed by a social gypsy.

Why, you ask? Just when I develop a really nice rapport with someone, they tend to vanish. This can be illustrated by two comparative lists.

LIST ONE: People I've Bonded With (2007-2010)

Mrs. Madsen

LIST TWO: People Who Vanished/Are in the Process of Vanishing (2007-2010)

Carley (California)
Aaron (Oregon)
Crystal (Hawaii)
Sadie (the North Country)
Brandon (Mission)
Mrs. Madsen (England)
Autumn (Midwest)
Jaden (Mission)
Becca (the North Country)
Lindsay (Marriage)
Travis (Leaving soonish)
Whitney (Leaving soonish)
Matt (the North Country)
Scott (Heaven)

This leaves: Spencer, and Mike. I get the vibe my bearded friend is vanishing in his own way, still physically present but kind of drifting in and out of things.

I know I've been accused of being both clingy and demanding, and I don't deny that either of those things are true. But the thing that is the worst for people with whom I interact -- the thing that's worst for me -- is that those behaviors are symptoms of a bizarre sort of hyper-loyalty, a crazed dedication which (if you ask me) stems from the fact that I believe in the Golden Rule. And because I don't necessarily feel that people are loyal, I try to augment that aspect of things by overdoing it. An example of this is listening. When I feel as though I'm not being listened to, I try much harder to listen to others.

I guess in some way it's like I'm trying to manipulate Karma, like I'm trying to speed up What Goes Around so that it Comes Around more quickly.

I don't know. Right now I'm tired and very confused.