Thursday, April 5, 2012

Blerg.

I got into a car accident today. I was driving over to Tuacahn to pick Alec up from school, and had stopped at a traffic light. The woman behind me had stopped, as well; I was jamming out to Erasure in complete safety. Then, all of a sudden, there was an incredible amount of force -- my head slammed against the headrest, and all of the CDs in the compartment under the CD player flew, like ninja stars, into the back seat. The car had been shoved forward, but by some miracle I hadn't hit the people in front of me.

It happened right by the parking lot for The Spectrum, so I pulled in there and got out of the car. No damage to dad's back bumper (thank heavens -- the Galant is his best friend). The woman who hit me had simply pulled to the side of the road. I'd seen her hit her head against her headrest in my rear-view mirror -- she was an older lady -- so I ran over to make sure she was okay.

As it turns out, Debbie -- the woman who hit me -- had been rear-ended by a 19-year-old-ish girl who'd been trying to keep her son from crying while she was driving and didn't notice that Debbie had stopped for the traffic light. (We later learned from the guy who volunteered as a witness -- a cop from West Valley -- that this girl had been talking on her cell phone, as well.) The force with which this girl hit Debbie is what caused her to slam into me. Nobody got hurt, but the girl whose fault it was didn't have insurance, so it wasn't exactly pleasant to stand around with the police for an hour.

I've been in two other (pretty scary) car accidents -- once, I ran off the asphalt on Tuacahn Drive (don't drive angry, kids); the second time, my friend, Matt, and I were hit by a semi truck as I was taking him home from a Drama Club service project -- but for some reason, this one seriously freaked me out. As I tried to get the insurance information/registration papers out of the glove box, my hands were shaking like crazy -- I dropped everything I was holding at least six times. When I was finally able to get back on the road, I started crying.

At first, I was super confused by why I was having such an intense emotional response to what had happened, but I think I finally figured it out: So much of my life has been just like that car accident -- me, sitting in neutral, if not safe, territory, getting slammed by something I am completely unprepared for. This is especially true of Recent Events (which I have only addressed vaguely in this blog). It was a sort of symbolic car accident, in that respect, and I think that's what got me. It's not necessarily that I feel victimized, because I always turn out all right. I just feel... I don't know. Bewildered? Disoriented? Overwhelmed?

I was looking at a book today, Sun Signs, that talks about astrology stuff, and in the section titled "Recognizing Virgos," there was a neat little paragraph discussing the Virgo tendency to prepare for any and every situation. It's an innate personality trait, I guess, that's coupled with compulsive (and logically rationalized) worry. So the thing is, when I encounter something I never could have prepared for or prevented, it trips my shit. It goes against everything I believe the world should be.

I think that's going to make life kind of hard.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Silver lining.

I love General Conference weekend. It revs my spirit up in a way that nothing else can -- and this time, it seemed like every other talk was being given just for me. It helped me realize that, even though I've been dealing with some pretty ridiculous stuff in my personal life, God's still blessed me in, like, a MILLION ways. So, today is all about silver linings -- positive things that sneak up on you when all you can see is the negative. And I'm gonna highlight some of these awesome occurrences with my favorite organizational tool: a list.

What I've Been Whining About: Having no friends.

Why I Should Shut Up: First of all, I do have friends -- it's just that they're new, and they're not the friends I'm used to hanging out with. Second of all, having a reduced social life has given me the time to do so many lovely things. I've been able to help my mom out at home, hang out with my youngest brother, focus on my guitar skills, paint my fingernails, etc. Even though I'm not out until 2 AM every night or partying it up with pretty people, I'm still living a full and entertaining life.

What I've Been Whining About: Dishonesty.

Why I Should Shut Up: Dealing with so many dishonest people has taught me to appreciate those in my life who I can count on to tell me the truth, no matter what. Sure, there aren't many of them, but they're all awesome. (Shout-out to everyone in my family, Crystal, Spencer, Guy, Brittany C, both Jadens, Erika, Kristina, and Christhian.)

What I've Been Whining About: A former best friend (we'll call him "Ted").

Why I Should Shut Up: Regardless of whether or not Ted and I stay friends -- which isn't looking super likely, at the moment -- I've realized that there's one bestie with testes who will always be there for me, and that's Spencer. Going through all this shitty stuff with Ted (A) helped me and Spence grow closer as we've exchanged advice on how to deal with disappointing people, and (B) made me realize just what a gem my mustachioed madman really is.

Anyway, those are some of the things I realized this weekend -- and now that I've acknowledged just how positive negative things can really be, I'm feeling much better about my life. I think I've finally managed to re-focus on the kind of person that I want to be, and I hope I can keep all these silver linings in mind as I finish up college. 'Cause once I've got my Bachelor's, I can pick up and move away, and then most of these problems cease to exist. :)