Today has been ridiculous. I am really hurt by/frustrated with Spencer. Retail therapy hasn't even made a dent in my depression. (I bought two books The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas, and Training in Christianity by Soren Kierkegaard.) I feel like a huge loser for being in such a down mood. I have been trying like crazy to just be like, "Oh, hey! Tra la la!" but alas, I am not a robot. I have many feelings and they are beyond suppression.
The thing with Spencer is that he doesn't care he's leaving. He's excited, which is okay, but it's almost like he has no comprehension of the fact that I'm grieving our friendship. I'm really sad. I've cried every day for like five days, and he's just... indifferent. Which makes me feel stupid for caring.
Also, I'm frustrated because the majority of this friendship has been me making sure he gets what he wants. I'm a freaking good friend. I will do anything for someone I care about, even if it makes me completely miserable. BUT, the minute I want something (like a goodbye hangout that doesn't involve a million other people), he basically says "Tough shit." Which also makes me feel stupid.
I don't know why it's okay for me to put %110 percent of myself into my friendships, but only get like %30 percent back.
In other, less painful news, Mom, Dad and I are seeing Elvis Costello on Friday. Prepping for the concert will be awesome because he wrote a bunch of songs about people being douchebags. So I can listen to his music and have therapy at the same time.