Well, this is it.

Tonight was my last night with Spencer, and it was really hard. Even though it just started out with small-talk and a smoothie, I could feel the panic setting in. I tried really hard to pretend that this was the easiest thing in the world, but even as we shopped for sunglasses at TJ Maxx, my brain continued to deliver blow after blow: "We're not going to go to the Orange Peel together. We're never going to hit discount stores in a quest for trinkets. There will be no goose-stepping up the hallway. We will not sit on the sofa in his grandma's basement watching foreign/historical/indie films. I will not get to help him paint sets."

I helped him pack everything into SubaRupert. Trunks, boxes, clothes, kitchen items -- all of these objects I'd grown so accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. The thought of never seeing his Halloween candy bowls -- which we bought together for a party we hosted -- or his mustache collection or the stack of advanced-looking books he never read... it all broke my heart. I tried to be optimistic, but the stuff I came up with was ridiculous: "Well, one good thing about Logan is that there's less dust."

A very naive part of me kept trying to insist that if I distracted him long enough, he'd have to stay forever. It's amazing, the things you come up with when you really feel like you're in a bind. It's amazing, the kind of shit you're willing to believe.

I managed not to cry until he dropped me off at home, which I am proud of. Although I have to admit that I was hoping not to cry at all, considering how many times I've done it over the past five or six days. But he gave me a hug and we danced in my driveway and he (awkwardly) tried to joke about dog poop in a last-ditch effort to lighten the mood.

I feel kind of bad that the parting image he will have is me, barely able to keep myself together.

"You thought you were my first love. You thought you were my first love, but you're wrong; you were the only one who's come and gone."

- Morrissey, I Know Very Well How I Got My Name