Today has been ridiculous. I am really hurt by/frustrated with Spencer. Retail therapy hasn't even made a dent in my depression. (I bought two books The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas, and Training in Christianity by Soren Kierkegaard.) I feel like a huge loser for being in such a down mood. I have been trying like crazy to just be like, "Oh, hey! Tra la la!" but alas, I am not a robot. I have many feelings and they are beyond suppression.
The thing with Spencer is that he doesn't care he's leaving. He's excited, which is okay, but it's almost like he has no comprehension of the fact that I'm grieving our friendship. I'm really sad. I've cried every day for like five days, and he's just... indifferent. Which makes me feel stupid for caring.
Also, I'm frustrated because the majority of this friendship has been me making sure he gets what he wants. I'm a freaking good friend. I will do anything for someone I care about, even if it makes me completely miserable. BUT, the minute I want something (like a goodbye hangout that doesn't involve a million other people), he basically says "Tough shit." Which also makes me feel stupid.
I don't know why it's okay for me to put %110 percent of myself into my friendships, but only get like %30 percent back.
This blows.
In other, less painful news, Mom, Dad and I are seeing Elvis Costello on Friday. Prepping for the concert will be awesome because he wrote a bunch of songs about people being douchebags. So I can listen to his music and have therapy at the same time.
oh my darling hannah. i love you a lot for not knowing you all that well...perhaps because we're twinzzzz! and sometimes i feel like our lives run parallel, but just a few years apart (if that makes sense).
ReplyDeleteanywho. i'm going to write you an email right now. because i'm a weirdy, but also because i feel for you, girl.
fer realz.
love the rage face! haha sometimes i feel EXACTLY like that!! i miss you, and talking to you. uhm, my mom helped me realize something this morning, cuz i was a bit sad too.. itll all work out in the end, no matter what, like god isnt setting us up for failure or hurt, and sometimes he is just testing us, and will end up making it all ten times better in the end.
ReplyDeleteboys dont care about feelings,
well others feelings at least, they dont think about things the same way that we do, and we overanalize every little detail and think and re think everything, which leads to alot of complications.
im sorry about spencer, maybe its giving you a chance to meet someone who will be a bigger benefit to you in the long run, and its just hard to see right now cuz your in the midst of all the emotion and the hurt.
your not stupid, and you shouldnt feel that way, im sorry spenc is leaving its hard to say goodbye i hate it more than anything!
this could be the time that you find someone who will give back to you all that you give to a relationship and friendship, someone will want to always make you happy and it wont be just you making them happy...
people like you who would do anything for anyone tend to give love to lots of people even when your not recieveing it back. i am like that too... and then you get taken advantage of. and you get your heart broken! it hurts, and crying is ok ! love you so much hannah ! i cant wait to hopefully see you soon!
-Tay