Husbandly Qualities

When I was first in YW, one of my leaders gave a lesson in which she recommended making a list of qualities our dream husbands might have, so that it would be easier for us to notice the presence or absence of those things in our (eventual) boyfriends. I guess because you marry who you date.

We started our lists in class and, because I was thirteen and in church, the qualities I deemed most important were a special brand of LDS cliche. Over time, my "dream husband" has evolved into a man I seriously doubt that YW leader anticipated. This is what my list looks like now:

1. 110% heterosexual.
2. Non-creative profession (lawyer, doctor, CEO...)
3. Well-educated
4. Both intellectual and smart
5. Appreciation for, if not love of, fine arts and humanities
6. Willing and able to argue/banter with me (wordplay!)
7. Willing to be the boss of me, as I dislike being the Decider
8. Ambitious career goals and the drive to achieve them
9. Assertiveness
10. Knowledge of a variety of pop culture elements and events (necessary for conversation -- I don't want him to have to take a Wikipedia time-out any time I open my mouth)
11. Social butterfly
12. Masculine sense of style (non-metrosexual suit wearing)
13. Beardability
14. Supportive of my professional endeavors; encourages me to take risks and push myself
15. Financially responsible

Whoa.

I've been writing again. Little stuff, mostly flash fiction and one sentence stories, but I'm really pleased with what I'm churning out. It's scary to go back to something you've abandoned, especially if it involves some level of creativity. How do you know if you're out of practice, or if you really just suck balls?

I rarely let anyone I know read my writing, because it tends to be kind of revelatory re: my character and life experience, but I'm not embarrassed by what I'm working on now, and that's a great feeling.

Here's a teensy excerpt from a short story:

It's easy to assume that some things will exist eternally -- life, time, and heartache each carry the collosal threat of permanence -- but love, he knows, is as fleeting as childhood or the tail of a shooting star.

Honesty Hour

This evening's post is an excerpt from my journal, because nobody reads this blog and also because I'm tired of self-editing. Here it goes:

I'm trapped at home all the time; I have no life, no reason to shower or get dressed. Reading my horoscope is the most exciting part of my daily routine, and I usually do that right at midnight. Today, I cried because Zoe interfered with my toast-making procedures -- the disturbing thing is that I was legitimately upset.

My life is TV and online jigsaw puzzles. I've now seen almost every episode in the 13 year history of "Law & Order: SVU," which has resulted in numerous sexual fantasies involving Christopher Meloni. I'm also completely caught up on "30 Rock," having become somewhat obsessed with the Jack/Liz relationship dynamic (they're in love, I don't care who you are). Thinking about them makes me cry, so, you know, there's that.

90% of the stories I tell my family members (aka the only people to consistently experience my existence) begin "So I saw this post on Tumblr ..." and the other 10% are memories from college. Everything I come across that reminds me of the active, chaotic life I used to lead fills me with unbridled rage. Similarly, any evidence that other people on the planet are having fun makes me want to puke. I'm so lonely that my skin hurts, and all I want to do is sleep.

Why didn't anybody tell me that graduating from college would immediately lead me into a circle of Hell that Satan and Leonard Cohen collaborated on for a hipster outreach effort?

Thoughts

1. I need to write more poetry.
2. "Potato" is a weird word, especially if you say it slowly.
3. Some of my freckles have fallen off.
4. I might be dying.
5. Every time I tell someone my plans for the future, like six random people pop up and lecture me on all the alternatives I "haven't considered" yet. It's starting to irritate me.
6. Bat for Lashes' new album is really good -- I want to cover "Laura" sometime soon.
7. What's a way to celebrate that I'm back down to my Macbeth weight that doesn't involve food?
8. I'm getting sick.
9. I can't be getting sick.
10. ...I'm getting sick.
11. Halloween's gonna be so crappy.
12. I don't want Ian to move out. I'll miss him too much.
13. Today on this episode of Couples Therapy on VH1, the counselor (whose name I don't know) was talking about how a lot of times insecure people are attracted to confident people because their subconscious knows that they can have "confidence by association" and I thought about that for a long time.
14. I'm really proud of myself for executing such crazy willpower over the past two months. I'm a champ.
15. I don't get what the big deal is with RPGs and the middle ages. I'd like to be able to kill time on the internet without having to deal with knights/fair maidens/hideous winged dinosaurs ("dragons").

I've had a hard time coming up with something to write for the past few weeks. There's been a lot I've wanted to say, but with personal stuff I'm never quite sure how best to express myself. I don't really have anyone I can talk to face-to-face, either, so that makes it a little bit harder to decide what to discuss here. (I mean, there's Spencer, but he's in grad school and doesn't always have time to play therapist.)

Life's coming along all right. I've done really well with my diet and exercise regimen -- I've been committed to it for over a month now and today is the first day I've really made any food-related errors. I've lost a little over twenty pounds (success!), which puts me ahead of my October weigh loss goal.

It also looks as though I may have found a job. I don't want to say where yet, as they're still running a background check -- which, to the best of my knowledge, I should pass -- but I'm very excited at the prospect. I desperately need some sort of obligation, and cash flow will allow me to make legitimate contributions to my NYC cash fund.

In other news, I've become addicted to the process of coming up with "dream casts" for film adaptations of my favorite books/plays. So far I've done Fahrenheit 451, House of Leaves, Hamlet, The Secret History, and Invisible Monsters.

I really need some friends who are available to hang out during the day. I'm becoming the internet's equivalent of a cat lady.

You're Invited! (to a pity party)

I haven't felt this weird about life in ages. Which is crazy, because I'm a champion lately -- I'm kicking butt at diet and exercise, I'm super helpful around the house, I'm getting reasonable amounts of sleep for the first time in years.

But.

But, but, but.

I feel like a huge loser.

I have no job. I have no reason to get dressed when I wake up in the morning. I have no tasks that need to be accomplished. I have no mode of transportation. I have no romantic life. I have no social life.

My 23rd birthday is on Tuesday, and it'll be the first one in like ten years where the participants will exclusively include members of my family. Not because I'm cutting people out, but because I don't really have any friends who I know well enough to invite to my house.

I miss Spencer and Guy.

And Bryant (even though I'm bugged that he hasn't texted me).

Mostly, I miss being in school. I knew who I was when I had classes to go to and homework to do. I knew what was expected of me and where I had to be and when.

Oh, heavens above. I don't know why I can't just spend a stretch of time being happy.

Quick update thing

This is gonna be a pretty brief, summary-type post because not a whole lot has gone on in the past few days. So, a list!

1. I've been working out and dieting for over a week now! Huzzah!
2. I'm going to be an extra in an Italian film tomorrow. I'm so excited!
3. It's been a week and I haven't heard anything from Bryant. So... whatever, I guess.
4. Last night I watched movie previews for like an hour and forty-five minutes on IMDB. Let's just say that I can't wait to live in NYC where theaters show all kinds of film and not just family friendly/blockbusters.

Dig deeper.

It's been a crazy few days! To start out with, on Friday, Mom and I drove up to Provo and saw Mandy Patinkin in concert. He. Was. INCREDIBLE. There are not even words that begin to describe that man's talent, passion, or stage presence -- not to mention his voice. He sang a ton of stuff, but my absolute favorite number was "The Ballad of Booth" from Assassins. There's something about that song that just gets me -- I think it's to do with this thing I read once, talking about how everyone vibrates to a different musical note, just like objects do. There must be something in the composition of that particular piece of music that harmonizes with me, because anytime I hear it I feel like I'm being swallowed by something really pleasant and warm.

Anyway, after the concert we drove up to Grannette's house in Newton. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I had the worst cold Zeus has ever thought to bestow upon me. I thought I would die. Fortunately, things got better. On Sunday, I felt well enough to run over and spend an hour or so with Spencer and his new roommate, Chelsea (who is darling). Monday, we drove back to St. George and had a few minor Labor Day Adventures, including a stop at Smith & Edwards, IKEA, and Onion Days in Payson.

Today was a bit lower key, as far as activities go, since I'm still getting over my cold. I started calorie counting again, and I'm also doing the Insanity workout DVDs. Today was just the fitness test, but hooooooly shit, it wiped me out. After I finished, I fell onto my bedroom floor and tried not to puke.

Zoe and I are also starting to work on a couch-to-5k exercise regimen. We were supposed to start tonight, but she was really tired from work, so we're gonna try to do it in the morning.

In other news, I got a text from my soul-mate, Guy, today -- he's officially submitted his paperwork to join the union in NYC! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait until I can join he and Jaden in their east coast Broadway adventure!

Also, today I got a message from Bryant. I don't wanna go into detail about what it said, but I messaged him back. I think we're going to try to be friends again. I told him I'd buy him a Diet Coke when he got back into town (which should be sometime this weekend) and we could talk -- I guess we'll see what he says to that idea. I'm just gonna try to go with the flow.

My room smells like an ashram.

I've been up at my grandma's house for the past week. It was a much needed and, I think, well-deserved break from the insanity that is the Outside World. For seven peaceful days I was totally free from all worries related to money, transportation, social circumstances, etc. I got to watch Law and Order: SVU marathons and stay in my pajamas, and I never had to go on a Quest for Quarters so that I could buy a Diet Coke at the gas station because (A) Newton doesn't have a gas station and (B) there was always Diet Coke in the fridge.

This reprieve from worldly sorrows gave me the opportunity to think about my life -- which, in my experience, hasn't been particularly rewarding. Nevertheless, I decided to give it another shot, and tried to focus on looking at my decisions, etc, as objectively as possible. I came to the following conclusions:

1. This past year was shitty.
2. I used its shittiness to justify making stupid choices.
3. I made some (very) stupid choices.
4. I totally take my family for granted, and that needs to stop.
5. It's time to turn things around.

My plan for turning things around is to implement as many spiritual boosts and as much positive energy as possible. This includes reading the scriptures (of any and every religion -- as far as I'm concerned, there's no point in ruling out potential help just because it's not exclusively Mormon doctrine), exercise, meditation, and cultivating harmony. To begin initiating the "practical application" phase, I made a new feng shui bagua for my bedroom:

Oh, yeah. My chi's gonna love this.

I also invested in some incense to help promote happiness and calm in what I am now pretentiously referring to as my "fortress of solitude." They had a really good deal at Walmart ($4 for a pack of 91 sticks, which included an ash catcher. I burned my first stick of lavender like half an hour ago and I have to say, not only do I feel calm, but also kind of exotic -- like I should be swaddled in white linen and constantly practicing kundalini yoga.) I'm hoping that, with all of this progress-directed intent, I'll be able to erase the psychic damage of the past twelve months and continue to grow and develop as a person.

Bluesday.

 I recorded Rushmore yesterday -- it's the only Wes Anderson movie I haven't seen. Alec and I were supposed to watch it this evening after everyone else had gone to bed. I went to the store on my way home from work and got snacks, etc, and was totally stoked to hang out with my youngest bro. He was in bed five minutes after I got home, leaving me with absolutely nothing to do.

It's times like this when I realize just how much time I spend by myself. During the day I usually just hang out in my room, as its stifling 85-degree temperature is infinitely preferable to Dad's taste in television. (Pawn Stars, Operation Repo, military specials on the History channel...) And I'm usually alone at work, too. There are maybe seven solid minutes of time when I'm occupied during the show -- beyond that, I'm just waiting for my next change -- and I'm the only backstage crew member who isn't on headset.

I promise I'm not whining or complaining; I have a pretty active social life, too. It's just interesting how often I'm my only company throughout the course of day to day existence.

It makes me wonder if I've subconsciously started some kind of self-imposed exile. Because the past, what, seven-and-a-half years have been kind of rough for me. And that's not just because I've been a teenager/young adult and life's hard for everybody at that age. It's because I've made some phenomenally shitty choices and have had relationships with some phenomenally shitty people.

ANYWAY. The point is that I can understand how my brain might be encouraging me to squirrel away based on things that I've experienced.

I probably shouldn't spend extended amounts of time thinking this late at night.

I wish I had something I wanted to call this post.

I hate feeling like I have to have something specific to say when I start a blog post. It's unneeded pressure. I already feel like an Internet Loser because my blog doesn't have a theme (like "recipes and cute things" or "reasons why I hate this planet), so the supposed necessity of a unifying factor for each post kind of stresses me out. Some days I have one specific thing I want to talk about, and I do it, and I feel like a champion. Other days (today, for example), I just need to type.

This is, I guess, where lists come in handy.

1. Spencer left Sunday. We got a chance to hang out for like an hour and a half on Saturday night after Spelling Bee, which was nice. It wasn't anything fancy -- we went to Taco Bell and chatted -- but I was glad I got to see him before he left. I was also really proud of myself because, when he dropped me off at home, I didn't make a big deal about it. I just told him I was gonna try to come up to see Legally Blonde and goodnight and drive safe. I miss him a lot already.

2. In the past two and a half weeks, I've watched almost seven complete seasons of How I Met Your Mother, and it's made me really sad. Yeah, it's a comedy. But also, it's not. Not really. It's a kind of weird heartache-and-ennui cocktail disguised as an appletini. It draws you in with slap bets and sex puns, and then it reminds you're single, unfulfilled, and should start investing in your cat collection.

3. I really need to move out on my own. It's time.

4. I keep trying to decide who I'm voting for, but I feel pretty "meh" about everyone. I agree with Obama on most social issues, but I don't know that he's the best bet for the American economy. Romney's running mate will probably be the deciding factor for me.

5. My horoscope for today reads:
"There is a burden you have been carrying for a long time. You have probably fantasized for just as long about how to be free of that burden. After all, it impedes your progress in a certain area of your life. It makes various aspects of your life less fun and interesting. And it's an obligation that takes up your time and energy. You may be so caught up in being free of this burden that you have fantasized all kinds of complicated methods for extricating yourself. But it's really quite simple, Virgo. Just put it down."
I know what this is about, and I'm starting the process of Putting It Down tonight, when I get home from work. I have a feeling that will be a blog post in and of itself.

6. Last night, when I got home from work, there was a random kitten hanging out in our driveway. Alec has adopted him, but in the (highly likely) case of negligence, I think I'm gonna claim the little bugger for myself.

Anyway, that's all for today.

Capitalism, Consumerism, and Art: Money Ruins Everything

Within the past 24 hours I've become fully convinced that everything that's wrong with America's perception of and attitude towards theatre can be blamed on money.

While most people might agree with me, citing lack of income as the primary difficulty, I think the problem exists at a much deeper cultural level and is, therefore, much more difficult to solve. Rather than blame a reluctant public and advocate unwieldy advertising techniques, or pandering, in order to sell tickets, I focus my ire on good old American capitalism.

I think that, if theatre dies out -- the likelihood of which has been a topic of discussion for years -- it will be because American culture and society has successfully imposed capitalistic business ideals onto what is supposed to be an art form. This is, in my opinion, kind of like scientists growing human ears on the backs of lab rats. Sure, it can work, and may solve some problems. But at the end of the day, they're two completely different animals.

It makes me sad to think of how many creative and artistic theatrical impulses are curbed by financial concerns. As I've spent my entire life around actors, directors, designers, technicians, and playwrights, I've overheard many conversations that included questions like:

1. How will this show sell in the community?
2. How can we market this show to young people/old people/non-theatre goers?
3. Will this show alienate our base audience?

These kinds of questions, and their answers, dictate a lot of what theatre companies and educational programs are able to accomplish. Notice that, in each of the above questions, the audience is equivalent to any group of consumers.

Karl Marx, the father of communism, made a series of very interesting points on capitalism's impact on the self esteem of the individual throughout the course of his writing. One idea that really stood out to me is that, in capitalistic societies, consumers get lumped into a sort of amoeba. Individuality is lost because people only exist as particles of target markets. This has happened to theatre, too. The People Who Want to See "Hamlet" are different from the People Who Want to See "Legally Blonde: the Musical." Because theatre companies feel the need to isolate and play to these specific groups, they end up alienating individuals.

(Another problem exists in shared terminology. For example, referring to a staging of a show as a "production" implies that the play or musical is a product to be consumed rather than an event to be experienced. But that's a discussion for another day.)

I was fortunate enough in my theatrical education to have had teachers (both in high school and college) who never focused on selling tickets or making money. They were in it for the story, and that's what gave those stagings meaning and purpose. But now, as I slowly make my way towards the professional world, the majority of the decisions I observe tend to be judged in terms of money rather than artistic value, and that makes me nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, money is never an adequate motivation for art.

What's going on.

It's been a weird few weeks. I'm still working at Tuacahn (wardrobe managing "Spelling Bee") and doing that whole thing. It's been sort of stressful, for a variety of reasons, most of which are personal. However, I'm enjoying myself. It's a good job and the cast and crew are wonderful.

On Sunday, I went to church (for me) for the first time in months. It's not that I'm anti-Mormon, I just have spiritual and religious opinions that are somewhat divergent where traditional LDS doctrine is concerned. Anyway, testimony meeting was lovely, and turned out to be, in many ways, exactly what I needed. It inspired me to implement some perspective alterations, which I'm sure will be discussed at a later date.

Independence Day was average. Spencer and I went to brunch, then to work, then to the grocery store for barbecue items, after which we promptly had an "intense disagreement." I'm not sure how I feel about him at the moment -- not because of the fight, but because of what the fight says about him as a person.

I think my curse in life is that I'm able to see people's potential, but I'll never watch them live up to it.

"Nobody gives you a chance or a dollar in this old town."

Spencer is silly and sometimes a doofus, but he's a pretty good best friend. Last Thursday, at like 1 AM, I was catching up on Degrassi and Facebook stalking, when I got a random message from Spencer asking if I'd like a temporary job. Apparently, Tuacahn's costume shop was a bit understaffed. I said sure, and I started eight hours later.

Mostly I've been working on Aladdin -- putting little lights in some of the costumes and props, which isn't very hard but takes a lot of time. Last night we were at the theater until close to 3 AM because it was first dress. I'm freaking tired, but it's good to know I'm earning some money.

Anyway, it looks like this little job has morphed into something a little more long-term. I think I'm going to be wardrobe managing The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, which is a 9-week contract (I think?). Spence just needs to talk to Wilma and then I guess I'll be good to go.

On the 6th or 7th I'm taking a mini-vacation with Spencer up to Logan, to help him with the set dressing for a production of Steel Magnolias he did scenic design for. It should be fun. I'm not getting paid, but he's going to feed me, and it gives me a chance to get out of town for a bit.

My social life pretty much consists of Spencer and Matt. Every once in a while we get together with other people (usually Olin), but for the most part it's just the three of us. It's a weird group dynamic. We have a lot of fun, and we all get along really well, but sometimes I feel like I'm one bisexual female friend away from becoming Debra Messing's character on Will & Grace. Which, you know, isn't bad. It just feels a little stereotypical, which is a totally new thing for me, where life patterns are concerned.

Life's good, though. I feel like I'm making at least a little progress, and I've met some fun new people, so that's good, too.