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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Well, it's certainly been a while.

I haven't written in this thing in a million years -- not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I've had too much to say. I'm having a really hard time of things, lately. It's like I'm in this endless Groundhog Day-style loop of relationships that start out with hours-long conversations and unbridled hilarity, but taper off into weird, emotional stalemates.

I don't ever intend for things to happen this way, but they do, over and over again. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

Another thing that's been difficult is recognizing how casually my friends approach life. After spending so much time with Spencer -- who is just as single-minded and passionate as I am, and who has just as many convictions -- it's really strange to find myself among this cohort of people, none of whom take anything seriously. None of them will commit to anything, even something as simple as "having fun," which is incredibly hard for me to understand, because if I think something I think it, if I want something I want it, and if I do something I do it -- no holds barred, 100%.

I don't know how to interact with people who aren't sure who they are or what they want.

Finally, of course, there are boys. I'm using the plural form because, for the first time in my life, there is more than one to deal with. As a matter of fact, there are 4:

Boy #1 is my best friend (with the exception of Spencer, who is kind of like the emperor of my heart). He's a sweet kid, and he's talented and he has about a million things going for him, but he's incredibly confusing. 90% of the time I can tell exactly what he's going to do or say before he does it or says it. I can tell when he's making something up, when he's upset, when he needs a laugh. The other 10% of the time, he's about as easy to read as a James Joyce novel. This is frustrating because one of my biggest pet peeves is inconsistency (either be transparent or be enigmatic, but don't go back and forth!). This is also frustrating because 10% of him is a stranger.

Boy #2 is someone I used to be friends with and is now trying to get back into my life. I kind of kicked him out of it because he was using drugs, and he was using me, and it was an all-around bad situation. He moved away for a while, but now he's back, and he wants me to try to put him together again. And he's still on drugs, and he's back at school, so I can't avoid him.

Boy #3 and I have a lot in common. We like each other (liked? I can't remember what tense we were speaking in at the time). I know a lot of his secrets. He's the first person who's ever told me that I was wonderful because I was smart (which is usually something that guys make me feel shitty about). But there are triangles and quadrangles, and then there's the fact that he's one of the casual people I mentioned earlier. And he's casual about some things that are kind of an issue for me. So there's that.

Boy #4 is someone I've known for a long time. He's really unhappy, but it's a secret. And I worry about him, because we're friends and because I love him and because he's an incredible person who deserves to have everything that he wants. I don't think he knows how awesome he is, and I don't know how to help him.

Anyway. That's the majority of what's going on in my life right now. Nothing exciting, mostly this sort of large-scale thematic shift.

On a completely unrelated note, I just Facebook chatted with Spencer. We were having a conversation about the usefulness of his iPod Touch, and then this:

I cried. I miss him so much. For as rough as we've been on each other, he's the only person I've ever met who really understands me, as a human being. We're equally matched in passion and single-mindedness, and we both have really intense ideologies. He's my best friend in the whole world. I love him. And getting this message made my week -- maybe even my month.

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