"I'm tired of prices; I'm tired of waiting for something."

The final performance of Fiddler on the Roof was a lot of fun, but very emotional. I cried like a baby during "Anatevka." I couldn't help but see, in my mind's eye, a million other performances -- Travis and I on the chaise in Macbeth, Whitney and I facing off in front of family portraits in Dancing at Lughnasa. It was really just so much to process at once.

I came off stage trying desperately to pull myself together because I'm the sort of person who hates having feelings in public. Despite the fact that I had several close friends in the cast (including Bryant), the person who made the best effort at comforting me was Brigham, who I've really only interacted with this semester. I'm really impressed with him, as a person, because it's not like we hang out or anything -- we have one class together, and were ensemble characters in this show, and apart from that I haven't spent any time with him. But he gave me a big, long hug, told me everything was going to be okay, and gave me some friendly Jewish advice -- he was just really sensitive and compassionate, which isn't something I see a lot of. I'm really, really grateful he happened to be in the hallway at that moment.

Strike went well. For the most part, I worked with Cameron on breaking apart the framework for the platforms. I helped Bryant get nails out of some 2x4s for a little bit, which was sort of awkward. (I got the vibe he wished I was somewhere else -- a sensation that was magnified as the evening wore on.) After we took care of all the nail/staple removal and tidied things up in the wings, we were dismissed, and went into 156 for a break. There were a bunch of people in there. Bry went and sat down between Jalee and I-Can't-Remember-Who and the only chair that was left for me was in the periphery of this funky social circle that included Jordan and Andrew and Grace and some strangers. I sat on the outskirts for about two minutes before I decided that I really didn't want to be there anymore.

It's not that I don't like people. I'm just not socially competitive -- I'm not the kind of person that's into one-upping or fighting for the attention of a group. Everyone else I'm friends with sort of is, so I feel like I'm at a perpetual loss in that respect. (There's also a bunch of other stuff going on, but it wouldn't behoove anyone for me to blog about it, so for now we'll just blame my deficiencies.)

Anyway, I went outside to wait for my dad and, once more, started crying, just because the whole evening had been so completely overwhelming. Anni and Danica caught me, which was kind of embarrassing. Anni knows what's going on in my life, but Danica doesn't -- I talked around everything as much as possible because I don't want what I'm dealing with to influence anyone else's perceptions. They waited with me until my dad showed up, which was so incredibly nice of them, and once I got into the car I absolutely lost it.

As I told my daddy, it would be one thing if I were only dealing with (A) my last show, (B) graduation, (C) the disintegration of one of my closest friendships, or (D) uncertainty regarding my future -- but I'm dealing with it all at once. And, as far as my peers go, my support system is... questionable, to say the least.

But I guess I know I've got Brigham and Anni, which is perfectly okay with me.